Losing It, Finding Me

Of A Sunday

2012-01-29T17:45:00.000-08:00

I feel great today. Emotionally, it's been a bit rough these past couple of weeks: Getting back to work, getting used to the idea of another major life change in the near(ish) future, and adding back my fitness have all come at once and it's taken me a bit of time to sort it all out in my head. But today, everything seemed settled and kind of...made sense.So this morning I went to the gym early to work out. Then I cleaned the house, baked some bread for the week, went grocery shopping, and cooked some more. As of right now, I have matchstick celery and carrots in the fridge, 4 cups of quinoa prepared, and enough leftovers and fixings to make lunches for Hubs and I all week, in addition to a list of meals I have all the ingredients for this week. This week I feel confident we can be frugal, healthy, and happy. I ran for more than a mile straight two days in a row last week, and I'm feeling stronger every day. It's been a pretty good Sunday, all things considered.

Keepin' On

2012-01-27T20:56:00.001-08:00

It's the time of year when you hear and see all kinds of health and fitness advice, gimmicks, and tricks. It's the season of “Lose Weight Without Changing ANYTHING!”, “Eat this and drop 30 lbs!”; weight loss drugs, potions, surgery specials, and programs are EVERRYWHERE in January. In that environment, it's really hard not to want to buy in to a 'quick fix' or 'miracle cure' for obesity and unhealthiness. It would be so much easier if I could take a pill and wake up my ideal size, and my only job was not to inch back up to where I am now. Every time I hear one of these commercials, instead I think to myself, “I'm doing this right.”That said, I still kind of hate dragging myself to the gym more days than not. I long for weather good enough to run outside, or health enough to run in the cold. My house has been coughing and hacking for the better part of six weeks, with intermittent bouts of fever in between. At this point, we're waiting for my health insurance to kick in (which will cover Hubs and I both) hopefully next week. Then at least one of us will go to the doctor and hopefully get over this...whatever this is. My urges to binge have been a little quieter of late. I am still struggling with separation of my “highest human brain” and my “animal brain” sending out the urges, but I have been able to quiet them in the heat. I'm happy to say that there is a bag of chocolate chips in my pantry that hasn't seen action in a week, and even then, only a tablespoon in a day. Tracking my food is a really good thing for me. As it turns out, I'm pretty competitive with myself and that number on the screen. It becomes a challenge to meet my nutritional needs, make things my husband will eat, and get in under that goal. Especially when I factor in a dessert or a cup of cocoa-lette at the end of the day. I signed up for the year's first race yesterday. A 5k through the tunnels underneath OKC in two and a half weeks. I don't know whether I'll be up to running the entire thing or not, but I am excited for the race. I finally weighed myself this morning, and saw a 2 in front of the number. I'm not entirely sure where I started, but that felt pretty good. I was worried that I was well up over the 3 mark and that it would take a long while to get under it again. The scale is not my true measure. I have a 13.1 mile goal ahead, and several slighter goals along the way. Those milestones are where I measure my success.

Brain Over BInge

2012-01-20T17:46:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Lorrie over at The Token Fat Girl I've read a book called Brain Over Binge this week. It's a rather fascinating read, I must say, and offers a pretty great theory into what makes up eating disorders like bulimia, binge eating disorder, and compulsive overeating. Her story is very, very different than mine, but I really resonated with a lot of the things she had to say. She posits that binge eating is caused by the urge to binge, and nothing more. How and why bulimia may start may be different, but bulimia and binge eating becomes about the food and not about the psychological causes and unresolved past issues that psychotherapy tells us that it is, and you don't have to solve all of those issues to recover. She says that the urge to binge is something your lower cortex or "animal brain" sends out automatically, because of past deprivation perhaps initially, but eventually, because it is in the habit of doing so and it knows that sending out that urge will get it what it wants, which is food and lots of it. To overcome this, she says all you need do is look at those urges with your "highest human brain" housed in the prefrontal cortex, and stop reacting to them emotionally. There is where I like what she says, and where I get into trouble. I overthink things on a pretty regular basis. I overeat and binge on a fairly regular basis. I've fought my urges, tried to reason with them, tried to ignore them, tried to outsmart them...I felt like I'd tried everything. The inherent problem in that approach is that I was attempting to argue with what I thought was ME. But really, those urges are neural networks set off automatically for any number of reasons or no reason at all. It's not ME wanting to eat every last bit of the week's leftovers in the fridge, or whip up a cake and eat it before anyone gets home, it's just junk from my brain. Furthermore, those urges have no power unless I make a choice with my higher brain to follow through on those urges. They don't make me snap at my husband, they don't make me open the fridge, or put bite after bite of food in my mouth. Brain Over Binge teaches that, instead of arguing or reasoning or fighting with the urge, you recognize it for what it is, acknowledge it, and then dismiss it. The less attention you give an unhealthy urge, the more quickly it dissipates. And the more often you are able to separate yourself from those urges, the weaker they will be and the less frequently they will come back. I am having trouble finding the voice of my higher self in the cacophony that can become my brain in the middle of an urge. My habits are so ingrained that it's hard to remember what I sound like.

Week One

2012-01-08T17:08:00.000-08:00

Week one of half marathon training went pretty well, all things considered. I decided to do the plan in miles instead of minutes, so that I'm used to the distance no matter how slow I'm trotting. So 2 miles Tuesday, boot camp Wednesday, and 2.5 miles Friday. Saturday was supposed to be 3 miles, until our dogs got out of the yard at 9 in the morning. It turned into about forty minutes and 2 miles jogging/walking/talking in the neighborhood trying to track them down. Saturday turned into my "cheat" day after that. I didn't burn as many calories as I started out to, and I went to a wine tasting with snacks that lasted for three hours. I was already over my calories for the day when I got home to make dinner. We still hadn't found the dogs and it was full dark. Husband was depressed and moody, so I was depressed and moody. I felt like eating chocolate cake. So I made some muffins and ate three of them, with icing and ice cream. Today I was back on track. I called the animal shelter this morning before I went to print lost dog flyers, and lo and behold, the pups were taken in last night right as they were closing. So I went and brought my puppies home. I went grocery shopping for the week, and then hit a Zumba class for an hour. Trying my hand at curry for dinner, and then I'm motoring straight into week two. I haven't decided when to weigh myself yet. I really feel like I'm at the point right now where I don't want to know what I weigh. I feel better exercising, I have a plan for the rainy/cold weather next week (hello YMCA)...and in a couple weeks, I'll see where I am on the weight thing. Here we go.

Looking Ahead

2011-12-31T17:42:00.000-08:00

This year will go by far too quickly. Every year does, no matter how vastly it stretches before me today. I am not a Resolutioner, but I do see the new year as as good a time as any to set a few goals and look ahead at the next several months. Here are some things I want in 2012, more or less.I want more fresh fruits, vegetables, and whole foods in my diet. I believe in the produce section. My gardening attempt last summer didn't go great, but I learned a lot.I want to complain and worry less.I want more exercise.I want to stop worrying, finally, about what other people think.I want to learn to sew, at least enough to make a pillow cover and mend clothes with a sewing machine.I want less social media and less internet.I want more cooking.I want to make realistic and attainable goals.I want more saving and less spending.I want more quality time with my husband and the ones I love.The meal planning I started doing a couple of months ago is working out really well for me. It takes some of the pressure off, and ensures that I have all the ingredients I need every night without making another $20 stop at the grocers.The money thing is still a work in progress. January is our last "test month" because we'll still be living on H's salary. January 30th I get my first check and we can start really living on a regular budget.My dear, dear friend Amado has made me a wonderful training program to get ready for the half marathon I signed up for at the end of April. The official training program starts tomorrow with a 20-minute run, but I started running again last week and I'm excited. It's gonna be tough, but I think I'm ready. Tomorrow is my first day back at work. I'm kind of scared, actually. It's been five weeks I've been home, and I've found a harmony with my house, organization, and activities. I hope I can maintain this balance even when I add in 8-hour workdays again.

Looking Back on 2011

2011-12-31T17:35:00.000-08:00

I don't know that I've ever sat down on the Eve of a New Year and really thought about the year that's passed. This seems as good a time as any to do just that. Questionnaire lifted from All & Sundry.1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?I planned a wedding. Then I got married. Two things I weren't sure I was ever going to do a couple of years ago. 2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I looked far and wide for that little piece of paper I wrote down my goals for the year on, and I can't find it anywhere. I remember a few, though:Finish a 5k: Done and done. I did three last year and, while I didn't run a whole one, I ran more than I walked for all three.Get back to my skinniest and beyond: That...didn't happen. Honestly, those are the only two I remember. I'm not really a "resolution" person, but I am a goal person. More on that in tomorrow's post.3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My ex-roommate had a baby in April, and lots of people I know are in the process of being pregnant and will give birth next year.4. Did anyone close to you die? No one in my family, but a very good friend's dad died a few weeks ago. 5. What countries did you visit? Mexico6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?  I'd like to own a home and have a house that belongs to just my husband and myself (and our furbabies).7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?May 1, 2011 - finished my first 5kOctober 2, 2011 - my wedding day8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting through the craziness of planning a wedding with all my hair and most of my sanity. Committing myself, in front of god and everybody, to one person for the rest of my life. Having the courage to quit a job that was killing me a little inside every day. Taking that risky job in the first place. Those were all big ones for me.9. What was your biggest failure?I failed myself health-wise. 10. Did you suffer illness or injury?Nothing serious. I've become much more aware of obsessive food thoughts and compulsive over-eating.11. What was the best thing you bought?My very own laptop. First one I've had since college that didn't belong to "the company."12. Where did most of your money go?Bills, paying off debt, wedding/honeymoon.13. What did you get really excited about?Thunder basketball, of all things. I couldn't care less about the sport itself unless it's my boys playing. Even as I sit here, though, I'm watching them whip up on the Phoenix Suns.14. What song will always remind you of 2011?Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO. I swear, that song followed me around. Also "Marry Me" by Train.15. Compared to this time last year, are you: – happier or sadder? Happier.– thinner or fatter? Actually, I'm almost exactly where I was one year ago. Which is good I guess. – richer or poorer? At this moment, poorer. But with a plan.16. What do you wish you’d done more of? Self-care. I don't mean indulging. I mean spending time making sure Myself is in a good place. Physically, mentally, spiritually. More hobbies.17. What do you wish you’d done less of? Computing. It's a goal for next year. Less indulging, less making excuses, less TV, less nagging and worrying.18. How did you spend Christmas? Visited my g-pa in the hospital, had dinner at the fam's, went to church, woke up Christmas morning and waited for my husband, spent the afternoon with the other side of my family. 19. What was your favorite TV program?The new one is Grimm. 20. What were your favorite books of the year?The Outlander Series by Diana Gabaldon occupied a good chunk of my year. Still is, actually. I also loved Spousonomics and The Hunger Games books. 21. What was your favorite music from this year? Sara Bareilles had a new album that I love, as did James Morrison.22. What were your favorite films of the year?The Muppets will always be a great memory. The conclusion of the Harry Potter series was very satisfying as well.23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?I was with my parents on my birthday. I believe we went four-wheeling. I turned 27.24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?I honestly don't know.25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?Scrubs? I've actually been thinking about adopting a capsule wardrobe model for 2012. 26. What kept you sane?My family and my husband.27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. No matter how long you've known someone or believed something, they are still capable of taking you completely by surprise. Also, risks are scary and they don't always work out, But they're worth it.

It's All About Support

2011-12-27T11:21:00.000-08:00

I ran today. It's been a good month since I could say that. I was convinced to sign up for a half-marathon on April 29, 2012. I have no illusions that I'll run the entire thing. I do know I can and will finish the sucker. Today I did C25K's Week 3, Day 1. It was a challenge, but not un-doable. I'm currently weighing in around 295lbs, which doesn't make the running easy or fast. But it's still possible. My amazing friend Amado is making a training schedule for me to get ready for this 13.1 mile insanity. I've got eyes on a few races in between, and I'm feeling confident (most days). The added accountability will definitely help. I'm jumping back on the broadcast wagon. My husband is not yet on board with the healthy, but I am going to try very hard to do it without him. Maybe he'll get inspired too.

So Far Today

2011-12-04T12:37:00.001-08:00

This morning, I didn't wake up until almost 9:30, which is very strange for me. I got up, ate some leftovers for breakfast, and took my husband his phone at work because he forgot it and he's supposed to have it on him. And then I came home, and filed for unemployment. This past week has been kind of hellish. H's job isn't paying as well as we need it to yet, and right now, I'm bringing in zero money. I am terrified of not getting to start my "new" job until the new year, which will mean two solid months of no income. I'm stressed out and going more than a little bit crazy. I've not got sweets in the house at the moment, and I've managed to not eat everything else we have in the house. That's progress, I suppose. Tonight we have H's company Christmas party. I can't say I'm REALLY looking forward to it, but I'm excited to meet the people he works with. So far I count today as a win. I've been seriously flirting with the idea of going to an OA meeting this week if I don't get to start work. It's a scary concept, but cheaper than counseling, which is not in the cards right now.

2011-12-02T07:53:00.001-08:00

It's been an...interesting week. There have been paperwork SNAFUs with my new job, and I have thus been unable to start work this week, and have been home. I've fallen back into an all-day binge kind of thing on and off. We're poor as church mice this month because we've all switched jobs recently, so I haven't been OUT shopping and snacking much. Hopefully, god-willing and if everything goes well, I'll be able to start next week and won't have to go for two months with no paycheck.I need to replace my old habits (eating when I'm bored, stressed, sad, happy, whatever) with new ones, but I'm having difficulty. Especially at home. I know that making time for exercise and counting calories are not that hard. I have done both long-term. It's the sneak of old habits that is getting to me. So many days with no plan, or a plan that takes so little time, are the death of my intentions. With enough free time, I can justify eating just about anything.Today, my plan is cleaning and Christmas-ifying the house. With no current workplace, I'm not going to bake Christmas-y goodies because they'll only stay in the house, which means I'll eat them. I've been freezing leftovers and, when I do it immediately, it works out really well. Otherwise, it's a constant battle between myself and the damned refrigerator door. So, here's to today's plan.

A Letter I'll Never Send - Pardon the Rant

2011-11-26T13:10:00.001-08:00

Wednesday marked the end of a chapter in my life. I have to say things did not turn out the way I intended, or in a way I foresaw. I put my two weeks' (okay, 10 day) notice in at my job last Wednesday, and my last day was to be Monday, the 28th. Wednesday before Thanksgiving, the clinic was open, but my bosses (the owners) were not in. A company-wide email went out Tuesday to have all paperwork completed and up-to-date by 7 p.m. Wednesday so that everything could be sent to Medicaid before the break. I did 7 evaluations the previous week and had done 3 already that week, so I spent time Wednesday doing therapy and catching up on paperwork so that all my evals would be written. Basically, tying up loose ends so I'd only have the day's work to do on my last day. I got home Wednesday night to an email from the owner of the company telling me they had Monday covered and I didn't need to come in. As I had already put in my notice to resign effective end of day the 28th, I emailed back to let them know I had already gotten most of my personal effects out of the office, was up-to-date on paperwork, and that they could mail me my final check or I could come pick it up. I expressed regret that I would not get to say goodbye to my patients as I hadn't intended on Wednesday being my last, and checked to make sure I'd still be paid through the 28th, as I expected to be. In return for that email, I got an email informing me I had been fired due to my "rapidly degrading behavior and attitude" effective immediately, and that they'd mail me my check and I was not to come into the office. I know that it isn't illegal to fire someone who has given notice, but it sure as hell isn't a nice thing to do. On the one hand, it confirmed my reason for leaving the company in the first place. That's actually why I'm writing this down today. That email firing me made me feel bad and sent me into a bit of a tailspin. That's the other hand. I haven't been able to completely remove it from my mind since Wednesday. My employers never asked why I was leaving. It isn't because I couldn't hack the clinical environment. It's because I could not abide the work environment under them. So I'll tell you why I decided to leave and go back to my old job. I need to get it out. At first, I was so happy to have found the clinic and taken the job. The approach to therapy and patients was different, but I was willing to try it and got used to it fairly quickly. After a while, though, the honeymoon period ended. I realized that I was not doing my best therapy when I had no real idea what patients I would have in a day until they showed up for their appointments. I took the first to show up, regardless of who it was, so long as they were not high-level Spanish-dominant. This means that I had very little to no time to prepare for my clients, and therapy was done on the fly. While it's kind of exciting at first, it leads to mediocre therapy, even from someone with several years of training and experience. Aside from me, there were two SLP assistants who had little to no training or experience, and the owner, who took the last kid to show up (when she was there). I realize that I may have a different style of therapy, but I cannot believe that everyone but me can do stellar therapy with no prep on a kid they don't see regularly. With a bilingual environment, I saw more than once an entire session happen for a kid in the wrong language because the therapist did not know them well enough to know where they were dominant. And aside from that, how well can you really target the point of breakdown with a kid you haven't seen in a month? I also felt increasingly like an underling who was not trusted. I did evaluations, plans of care, and therapy. I wrote up my own evaluations, which is something the other SLP did not do. My reports were criticized for things I felt were trivial, I was sent emails containing typos about the unacceptability of my typos. Some of it feels a little silly as I write about it, but I felt like a child in that environment. Like my boss believed I would not do my job unless she was right there looking over my shoulder. She was offended by the way I spoke to her, and assumed the worst in every misunderstanding and miscommunication we had. I did not regret even a little taking the job until the first time she called me in for a "conference" where she told me everything I was doing wrong. From then, I felt like I was walking on eggshells and everything I did "wrong" was being gathered as fuel to fire me. I am glad I left, I am sorry to have left with such a sour taste in my mouth. It was never my intention to leave on bad terms. I hope that I get to start my new (old) job on Tuesday as planned, and am not without income for a month instead. Hubs just switched jobs so we're a little money-tight at the moment, and me going an entire month without a paycheck fills me with more than a little sense of dread. I have faith that everything will work out in the end. I am looking into the possibility of opening a small part-time private practice next year after we've bought a house. We'll see how it goes.

A Weekend to Myself

2011-11-19T06:29:00.001-08:00

Weekends are a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I have the house to myself most of both Saturday and Sunday which means low stress, but also means I have only myself if I feel a binge coming on. I plan on keeping home most of the day, and the majority of leftovers are safely frozen solid. I have plenty of organizing and work around the house to do today. I feel good. I know there have been short and uninteresting posts, but I'm working myself back into this thing. Thanks for your patience.

Committed

2011-11-17T18:35:00.001-08:00

I honestly don't know what to write today. I've made a commitment to myself to write 5 of 7 days every week. I know that I do better managing my eating and my fitness when I journal. I skipped breakfast at home this morning, and grabbed a granola bar. I ran around for an hour before work trying to get things together to transition to my new (old) job in a week or so. Lunch was more of the same, but I grabbed a chicken sandwich mean from McD's on my way back to the office. Leftovers for dinner, and a diet coke. I'm writing now instead of raiding the pantry for something sweet. Tomorrow the H and I go to the gym at 6:30. I like going with him, but I miss the solitude of hitting the gym (or a neighborhood wog) alone. I start the new gig, I'll have to be at work an hour before he has to, so I'll get the solo workouts back at least a few days a week. I have to make my own commitment to the gym to go it alone again. I'm ready, I think. I downloaded a workbook to try and help myself manage my bingeing. I am still uncomfortable with the idea of therapy, but I am warming up to the idea, especially if I am unable to gather the tools necessary to manage my eating and my health on my own. I'm also reconsidering the tattoo idea. I want to get "I Am Enough" on my left wrist. A reminder for myself that I don't need food or constant validation. It feels more right than any other idea I've had. And I think that perhaps the ritual and the permanent reminder will be good for me. Somewhere I can always, always look in a moment of weakness or temptation. But right now I'm going to watch Glee with my husband. :)

Yesterday

2011-11-17T05:24:00.001-08:00

Yesterday passed in a haze of work, bar trivia, fast food, and then (blissfully) a little sleep. I tendered my resignation at my current job yesterday, effective just after Thanksgiving. Honestly, it's a huge relief. I've known for a while that this place was not a good fit for me long-term, but did not know when or where my husband's job was going to take us. Now that he has switched companies and we will be here in OK for the foreseeable future, I needed to get out of there. I'm going to a job I've held before, but I feel more prepared to deal with all the stresses it brings this time around, because I know exactly what I'm getting into. It's a really nice feeling, actually. Also, I can still wear my scrubs to work if I want, so my wardrobe won't need to be updated quite so quickly. And hopefully, I'll get back down to where I fit into ALL my clothes soon. I was conscious of my eating yesterday, but still found myself putting more into my mouth than I should. I will continue to work on that, and today will be better. I am prepared for a meeting with my current bosses regarding my resignation, and I am determined not to let it throw me into a tailspin today.

A Confession, A Profession, and a New Beginning

2011-11-15T19:35:00.001-08:00

There is no point in telling you everything that's happened in my life since my last post here tonight. Suffice to say, it's been a big five months. The reason I'm writing again is because I have a problem. I've told my husband (yeah, that happened. I got married), but I need to keep talking. I need to start writing here again. I have an eating disorder called Binge Eating Disorder. It's something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. It's become very apparent to me of late that it is not under my control. So here I am. I am ready to be back in control of my eating and my life. I have decided to leave my current position at a speech therapy clinic that I started at five months ago. I am not sure where I am going yet, but I know that I need to get out of there as quickly as possible. That particular work environment is not a good place for me. That's really all I have at the moment. I'll be back tomorrow.

A Good Start to a Good Week

2011-06-20T19:14:00.000-07:00

I hit the gym this morning after only ten minutes of trying to talk myself out of it. It felt great, I'll be honest. I'm so glad I went. I have a plan to go tomorrow and swim laps for a little while. It's a cardio only day, so I'm going to try and change things up as much as possible. Also, I rubbed a blister today on the treadmill, so I don't fancy socks and shoes for working out tomorrow at all.

It occurred to me over the weekend at the reunion that I have a mere six weeks until The Dirty 30 race, and I'm not ready yet. My running mate/cousin made me realize just how far I have to come in six weeks. But I'm ready. I'm going to work hard right up to it, and be a lot stronger than I am now even if I can't ace the course. I'm up for the challenge.

Speaking of the reunion, it was a definite success. The functional family thing still freaks FH out a bit, but he did awesome and seemed to enjoy himself in spite of the outdoorsy venue and the heat. I got to meet some new relatives, see some long lost ones, and hang out with the ones I see pretty often. We didn't make it to Jincy's, but we had chuckwagon food and ate breakfast at an awesome little local joint.

FH came home today and declared that he was pissed off. The reason? He decided to try and stop smoking today. I'm so proud of him, and I hope he's successful. :)

Closer and Closer

2011-06-15T07:36:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm getting back to myself again, finally. The last couple of days have definitely been easier as far as controlling my urge to binge and battling my lack of motivation.

I actually made it a step closer yesterday morning and got my happy butt to the gym at 7. I didn't actually work out, but I got there. Instead I got set up with the new YMCA system called MobileFit (go check out the website, it's cool) that will set up workouts and training for me every time I go in.

This morning I tried my first strength/cardio workout from the little kiosk. I gotta say, I like it. In spite of having to carry around the piece of paper, I felt challenged but free at the same time. I'll be a little sore tomorrow, but it felt GOOD. I'm still working out how to budget my time so I can get ready for work at the gym without rushing. My dripping hair today tells me I need about twenty more minutes on long days. :)

This weekend FH and I are heading back to my hometown for a big ol' family reunion. I'm pretty excited about it. I haven't met some of this side of the extended family, and FH will get his first real taste of chuckwagon cooking. Also I'll finally get to take him to Jincy's Kitchen, which is an AWESOME home cooking type of restaurant that's not too far from where we'er staying.

There may be some more big new changes coming to my life very soon, but I'm not quite ready to talk about them yet. We're a little over three months out from the wedding, and I cannot WAIT to be married to FH.

New Beginnings

2011-06-12T14:21:00.000-07:00

My summer vacation is officially over. Last Sunday I set out to complete my last tasks as an employee of the public school system. 20 teachers from my home school set out for Las Vegas for a conference. It was fun, and informational, and I think that if I never go back to Vegas in my life, I'll be just fine. I did get to see the view from the top of the Stratosphere, I gambled a little, and I ate at Bobby Flay's Mesa Grill (which was AWESOME).

We got back into town after a VERY long day of flying on Wednesday night, and I started my new job Thursday morning. I think it's going to be a very good place for me. The move still feels right, and I'm happy about it. Starting a new job is always tricky. This one felt a little like trial by Napalm, but in a good way (if there is such a thing). I went in Thursday morning expecting a first day of orientation, observation, and learning the ropes. What I found was an hour of that, and then a full day of seeing kids.

I've been trying very hard to get back on track with the gym and my eating. I'm moving forward either way. I've started debating with myself on whether r not I go to the gym every day. I think it's a step in the right direction. For a few weeks there I didn't even argue when I decided to skip it.

This will be my first week trying to implement a morning workout routine. I'll let you know how it goes.

All the News That's Fit to Print

2011-06-02T06:40:00.001-07:00

So, way back in April I met these people who run a pediatric clinic that specializes in speech therapy for bilingual kids. We had dinner. They were cool. About a month later we had dinner again. They were still cool. And they really liked me. We talked about the possibility of me joining their company.

Two weeks after that, they offered me a job.

And I'm taking it. I quit the school district on my last day last week. I accepted their position, and I start next Thursday.

I'm super excited. The whole decision has been a little scary and it's helped get me super stressed for the past month or so...but it's done.

It feels right. I'm excited. Also, now I get to wear scrubs to work. :)

(Re)Discovery

2011-06-01T09:22:00.000-07:00

So much has (and hasn't) happened in the last month. I got behind on updating and then I just didn't know where to begin.

So we'll start with the bad news. I've been struggling like mad with food and self-image lately. I've been eating like mad and not tracking hardly at all. I started back with the guilty cycle and depression that got me into this mess in the first place. Here's the trouble, aside from the eating and lack of gym and abundance of guilty/bad feelings. I've dug myself out of this depression cycle before, but I can't remember how I did it. It's always been just kind of a "waking up." Well, I'm ready to wake up again. So I started small. Today I went to Zumba and ate a protein bar for breakfast. I'm through 32 ounces of water already, and I'm doing okay.

In better news, I managed not to gain more than a pound or two in this whole thing. I'm taking this first week of summer, and I'm dedicating it to rediscovery. I've been wearing some old clothes I haven't had the confidence to put on lately. I'm heading back to the gym and I have a plan for that. I'm getting wedding invites out. I'm framing a couple of our engagement pictures (post to follow) and I'm getting back to me. The stress of the end of the school year was a little too much for me on top of everything else.

But I'm good today. And that's a start.

5K of Doom (and Awesome)

2011-05-07T05:51:00.000-07:00

I ran my first 5k last weekend. The weather was awful. 48 degrees, raining, a little lightning that delayed the race and made us stand out in the rain for another half hour... but it was also amazing. I want to do one a month. There's also a race called The Dirty 30 at the end of July that I really want to do. I know I'm not up to doing that one alone yet, so I have to find someone crazy enough to do it with me.

I'd been training for a couple of months before this first 5k to get my running endurance up. (Sidenote: a couple of years ago I never thought me and running endurance would ever be in the same sentence...especially not at 280lbs) Anyway, when it came down to the day, I paired up with a friend from work who HADN'T been training, but had been working out and wanted me to push her. So we'd run for a few blocks then walk for a few blocks, then I'd make her run again. I straight up left her behind a couple of times. And we finished in 50 minutes. Not my fastest time in test runs, but definitely, definitely a time I'm happy with for my first one.

No movement on the scale this week, and I am still majorly struggling with my self-control and binge habits. I'm trying to be mindful when I get in that stage, with varying degrees of success. I'm also still having trouble getting to the gym 5 times a week. I could blame a little of that on the craziness that is the end of the year, but let's be honest, most of it is me. I've reset my alarm from 5a.m. three times this week and not made up for it in the evening. Blah.

I may have some killer big news this coming week. Fingers crossed.

The Countdown Begins

2011-04-26T07:39:00.001-07:00

Wow, there are a lot of things going on in my life right now. Firstly, there are only four weeks of school left, which means I'm very close to being out of here for a couple of months (at least). That said, this is my second week straight of acting as alternating kid-sitter/portfolio-maker-extraordinaire. It's a little maddening watching Disney movies all morning, but I am actually being productive this year.

As far as eating/working out goes, I have not one but two (yes, 2!) 5Ks this weekend. The first is a Saturday morning walk at the Zoo for MS, the second is a Sunday morning walk/run for the Memorial. I'm honestly very much looking forward to both. The challenge for me will be Sunday. And these will be my first experiences with "real" races. As in, 6:00a.m. check-in, done by 7:30a.m. races. All the walks and relays I've done before have been set at college-kid-friendly times like overnight or, at the very least, 10a.m.. I'll let you know how they both go next week. I had a little too much fun food-wise this weekend in Dallas with my sister and friends, but I'm not freaking out over it. I went to the gym and put in some elliptical time this morning, and I'm planning to go back for Zumba this evening. I'm loving this early morning gym thing, even though I still dont like waking up at 5:45 to get to the gym. C'est la vie, I suppose.

I've also become a reading MACHINE. I've made it through three decently sized books since Friday. And since I've plugged them everywhere else I can think of, I'll do it here too. The Hunger Games and its two sequels by Suzanne Collins are FANTASTIC. I'm seriously a little unhealthily obsessed with them. They're a quick read (obviously), and they're awesome. Seriously. Go read them. I'll wait.

I also read Water for Elephants yesterday, which was really well done too. I hear the movie's not so great, but the book was worth my time. I'm also looking a bit more seriously into a new job opportunity, which would start in early June. I'm still trying not to get my hopes up too high, beacuse it isn't a sure thing...but I'm having trouble not getting excited. It's a fantastic opportunity, and I really hope it turns out.

Also, I weighed in a day early today, to coincide with my Biggest Loser thing at work.

I'm down to 277.4lbs. That's at least 3lbs from my last weigh-in, even though I can't view my blog to see for sure. And it means I almost made my Easter goal of 275. I'm happy. And I'm happy to be back on track, even though it's really tough right now.

Adventures in Morning Workouts, Take 1

2011-04-21T08:04:00.001-07:00

This morning, for the second morning in a row, I decided to work out before work. It's really been a scheduling issue, as this week has been unusually busy. But instead of skipping workouts when I'm busy like I have been doing. I like this better, even if it means I'm getting up WELL before dawn cracks.

This morning I did particularly well ;) I started out at 6 so I could get to the gym and get a run in, then get home before 7. I dressed, grabbed my water bottle, phone, and headphones, and headed out the door. As soon as it locked behind me, I realized my car (and house) keys were still inside. Since it was 6 a.m. and the men in my house are particularly heavy sleepers, the doorbell and calls did nothing to wake them. It didn't even wake the dogs. So I decided to try something different. I went around to the back fence...locked (and fixed so I can't unlock it from the front anymore). Then I opened the garage...the door to the kitchen was deadbolted, because of my fastidiousness yesterday after unloading groceries. Then I had an idea. Our side door, to the backyard, doesn't latch. It's got a window air unit mounted in it, but it should swing open. So I start to work. I unplug the A/C so the cord doesn't get in my way, and I try to swing the door out. The door sticks on the carpet and the cord anyway. So I pull back the carpet, and tug on the cord. The cord, by the way, runs behind a seven-foot bookcase that holds about 50 empty liquor bottles of various materials (mostly glass) and sizes. Do you know what happens when you pull on a cord that's behind a precariously balanced and very full bookcase? Yeah...it falls. On my head. I only broke two bottles, and only two hit me hard enough to leave goose eggs. It made a helluva racket...but didn't wake anyone. And the door still wouldn't open.

It was at this point I decided I wasn't going to the gym. I picked up all the bottles, shut the side door, and decided to run in the neighborhood instead. I did not take my sorry self to Pity Island and just decide to wait until I could rouse a man. I did my C25K workout in my neighborhood. And when I came back, the guys were already up for the gym.

And I still made it to work on time. Also, there's now a spare key to our house hidden on that very tall and full bookshelf in the garage. :)

On Weighing In, Waiting, and Working Out (again)

2011-04-20T08:16:00.001-07:00

I've had another couple of weeks of non-motivation. I was terrible about
tracking my intake after Wednesday of last week, and I consciously went over
my recommended calories at least twice. Also, I only worked out three days
last week, and only to do the C25K, and nothing else. I realized on
Saturday that I'd put myself into another "holding pattern" where my goals
got put on the back burner. FH informed me that he was starting back to the
gym on Monday 4/18. He told me that two weeks ago. Last week I got him a
membership with me at the YMCA and got him all set up to succeed. This
included annother big grocery shopping run for healthy stuff, water bottles,
protein bars, and workout clothes.

Monday morning I started back to the gym in the morning. I got a C25K (Week
6 Day 1) in, and another twenty minutes on the Acr Trainer. I didn't get to
the gym yesterday, as I had to come straight home and wait for the A/C guy
(it went out...again) and the Cox man to turn internet on in our spare
room. FH is finally moving his gaming getup into the spare room. He's
building a new computer and selling the other to his 'brother' (and our
roommate), and they're setting up a joint gaming thing. I'm really excited
to get the thing out of our room. It's kind of a pain to try and sleep when
he's up playing Rift until 2 a.m. a few nights a week. Also, I'll be able
to rearrange the room a little bit and make it into the homey (and non
boy-smelling) retreat I'd love it to be.

I went to the gym again this morning, I've been REALLy god on calories and
whatnot so far this week, and I feel good again. It's still a big internal
battle to get my butt to the gym and doing the right thing every day, but
I'm doing it. It's working. I hate that's it's so hard for me right now.
I still can't be trusted with desserts and sweet stuff in the house. Not
yet.

Anyway, I'm back down to 280.8 this week (as of yesterday) from 282 last
week. I'm ready to stop losing these five pounds and move on to the rest of
them. :)

A Late Weight

2011-04-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

I am really struggling these past two weeks with my motivation. It happens every once in a while, but I haven't been able to pull myself out as quickly as usual this time. Unfortunately, when I feel this way, not only my workout schedule, but my eating habits take a nose dive. I was talking to my friend Stringy last night about this. I'm REALLY good at talking myself out of things when I want to be. last week I was sore from boot camp until Saturday. I only even attempted to work out once in that time.

I've been back a little this week. I've done two C25K workouts, but I haven't yet gotten to W5D2, where I'm supposed to ramp up the running to 8 minutes at a time. The last two workouts have been done in my neighborhood instead of on the treadmill. I know I haven't been pushing my speed outside, but I've been keeping to the run/walk faithfully.

This week has been a little better food-wise too. I'm still getting conflicting reports from my scale. It said 279 and 289 in the same morning.

Tonight I did a 2 hour Zumbathon with a girl from work. I gotta say, it felt really good. I think my routine has been getting to me. It hasn't been exciting and I'm in kind of a rut. Luckily, we started a Biggest Loser thing at work this week, and a boot camp for that starts next week, twice a week. I also talked to one of FH's coworkers who's also a trainer and he's going to set up a training program for me.

I'm still plugging away. No official weigh-in this week due to scale issues and the fact that I really don't want to know. I'm pulling myself out of this funk a little at a time.

FH and Bob are joining the gym next week. That should help too. Less crappy food in the house, less drinking, fewer late nights where I feel like I need another little snack before bed. Here's hoping anyway.

Weighing in

2011-03-31T17:27:00.001-07:00

It's been another week, and I feel pretty good. I worked hard last week. I got off work a little early on Monday, and I went to a boot camp class. I kept up okay, but I have been SOOO sore all week! I tried to do my C25k workout yesterday but I couldn't keep up. I did finish, but it was at a slower pace than usual. Tomorrow I'm back to it, and hopefully I'll be back up to 100%. Next week is when the program really kicks up, and I am a little nervous about keeping up. I can only do what I can do, and give my everything and trust my body. I have faith.

My weigh-in this week was encouraging. My new mini goal is to get down to 275 by Easter. It's doable in my current plan.

Last Week: 284.6lbs
This Week: 281.6lbs
+/- for the week -3lbs

That's 24 pounds gone so far. I'm definitely back on the right track. I'm starting a Biggest Loser challenge at work next week, which wool hopefully just add another layer to my motivation and support system. I'll let you know how it goes.

Souper Supper

2011-03-26T18:01:00.000-07:00

I got back into the cooking mood tonight. I've been out of it almost all month thanks to busy schedules and general malaise. It was a dreary, cloudy day today, and I'd been itching to try my hand at homemade tomato soup. So I found a recipe online, adapted it a little...and came up with this:

Simple Tomato Soup
1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
1 cup coarsely chopped white or yellow onion
2 cloves garlic, sliced
1/8 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
1 can (28 ounces) crushed tomatoes
6 large fresh basil leaves
1/2 teaspoon coarse salt
2 cups water
Freshly ground black pepper
1/2 c skim milk
1 can tomato paste
Sweetener, I used sugar
Garnishes: chopped fresh basil, extra virgin olive oil

In large pot, heat oil over medium heat. Add onion, garlic and red pepper flakes; cook and stir 5 to 8 minutes until onions are softened but not browned (reduce heat to medium-low, if necessary). Remove from heat.

In a blender container combine cooked onion mixture, tomatoes, basil leaves, salt and 1 cup of the water. Cover and blend until smooth. Pour blended tomato mixture into pot; stir in remaining 1 cup water, tomato paste, and milk. Bring to a boil; reduce heat and simmer, uncovered, 15 to 20 minutes until soup is desired consistency. Add freshly ground black pepper and additional salt to taste, if needed. If the soup tastes too acidic, add a teaspoon or two of desired sweetener. Garnish each serving with chopped fresh basil and a drizzle of olive oil if you want.

Makes about 6 cups soup.

Calories 111.9, Total Fat 3.0 g, Cholesterol 0.5 mg, Sodium 220.5 mg, Potassium 320.8 mg, Total Carbohydrate 19.9 g, Dietary Fiber 1.8 g, Sugars 4.5 g, Protein 2.9 g

I served it up with a grilled cheese and spinach sandwich made on the Foreman grill, and it was yummy!

An Interesting Correllation

2011-03-25T20:17:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling with the urge to binge over the last several weeks. It's been a losing battle most nights, honestly. It's usually nothing like it used to be, when I'd end up eating dinner, then two or three whole portions of my leftovers plus a little "something sweet" I told myself I needed. Now I can pretty well limit it to that "something sweet" and I make sure to have better choices for that in the house. I log it, and I stay within my calories for the day.

I just don't like the feeling. One of the things I've noticed is that, as my posts here dwindle, those urges to overeat and binge tend to rise. Writing is a very cathartic thing for me. It always has been. So I'm going to try and update 2-3 times per week for the month of April.

In other news, I'm back from the bad week. The latter part of Spring Break was kind to me. I worked my butt off, and I saw results. I love it when that happens.

Last Week: 288lbs
This Week: 282.6lbs
+/- for the week: 5.4lbs

I'll also chalk a little of that up to RF leaving town and taking bloating with it.

I hope the results keep up this week. My new mini goal is to be at 275 by Easter. I know I can do it. It's a month away, and I'm within my 10lbs per month goal to get there. I'm just going to have to focus.

I also joined Mint this week, and I'm setting April as my month to take the next step to financial responsibility. Next month I'm going to track my expenses diligently. I plan to get receipts from every purchase and categorize them every day or two when I get home. I'm already saving a portion of my check every month. Now it's time to see where the rest of my money is going, and see where I can make cuts and be more efficient.

I'm in a good place right now. I just need to stay here, and keep moving forward.

A Little Overdue

2011-03-17T12:35:00.001-07:00

That title applies to quite a few things in my life at the moment. My visit from red Franny was a little overdue last week, but that all turned out fine. I forgot to update my weigh-in last week.

And I had a week of bad choices. Part of it was my feeling crappy because of RF coming to visit. This IUD thing is hell on wheels for a few days every once in a while. I was also SUPER busy last week. Out (mostly at work) until at least 7 every night and then coming home to a dirty house and being too tired to cook or go to the gym or anything. Couple that with a fantastic (but not particularly healthy) girls' weekend in Dallas, and you have me back at 288 for this week.

I've been really good about Spring Break so far. I went to the gym twice yesterday, did a kickboxing class Tuesday and another one today, and am mostly through week 2 of C25K. I've decided to run the OKC Memorial 5k in May, so I'm getting ready.

Let's see...what else. I went wedding dress shopping over the weekend. I was surprisingly okay with it once we got into it. I was afraid I would hate my looks in everything because I'd had a bad week and wasn't feeling too great about my body. But surprise, surprise, I though i looked kinda hot in a couple of the dresses. I finally decided on one yesterday and got it ordered. No pics unless you ask pretty please, because FH reads this blog every once in a while and I don't want to spoil it for him. I'm really excited about wearing that dress on my wedding day. I felt beautiful in it, absolutely. I showed FH some pictures of a couple of the rejects and he told me I'd never looked more beautiful.

Anyway, back up to 288 this week and still having trouble getting a good number off my scale. But I'm working HARD this week and my muscles are pleasantly (really) sore. I'm happy.

Wednesday Weigh-In

2011-03-02T17:47:00.000-08:00

This morning I stepped on the scale and had no idea what to expect. I feel like I've been working hard, but my eating is still sneaking out of line. I didn't do the "two dinners" trick last week, but I did eat a big "snack" and a lot of the "healthy" goodies I make to get me through the week. So here's what I saw:

Last Week: 288.8lbs
This Week: 288.0lbs
+/- This Week: -0.8lbs

It's not much, but I'll take it. I know that I'm still doing right by my body. This week I'm going back to aiming for 1400-1500 calories per day just to make sure I really stay under my calorie limits for the day.

I did my Super Zumba class on Sunday and stayed for the whole 90 minutes. It amazes me that EVERY TIME I go to that class (or any class really) my brain spends half the time thinking "One more song/set/combination and I'll cut out early." I'm never satisfied when I give in to that little voice, and I'm ALWAYS satisfied when I stay the course. Somehow the lazy bitch still thinks she has a say, though.

Last night I did a kickboxing class and then stayed for Zumba. Dinner was WW Oven Fried Chicken, smashed red potatoes, and broccoli. It was SO good. I'll post a recipe soon. I'm making a dent in my frozen lasagna portions for lunch this week, so hopefully by Sunday I'll be ready to make a new batch.

Today I was super sore from kickboxing's strength sets that I didn't think i was going to make it through Zumba. It was a short class and I was late, but I got a half hour of good exercise in. I think I'm gonna do broccoli slaw with spaghetti sauce for dinner and maybe a grilled fish filet.

Life is good right now. I'm just gonna keep chugging.

It's Monday And Everything Is Alright

2011-02-28T13:09:00.001-08:00

I don't know what's been getting into my water the past few days, but I feel good. My credit card payments have posted and that amazing "$0.00" number is showing up on my bank statement. I've been productive at home, staying on plan for the most part, and I've gotten in plenty of exercise in the past couple of weeks. I did peek at the scale this morning and noted I was a few pounds over what I expected to be, but who knows what it will say next time I'm supposed to weigh in? (Last week it said 288.8lbs, by the way. I forgot to post that) . I made it through a kickboxing class last week, I talked myself into the 90-minute Zumba class again even though it was hot and super humid in the workout room and I didn't think I could do it. The positive part of me has just been...winning this week.

I'm loving it! When I waled in to work this morning, the parking lot smelled like the Stockyards. I know that most people would consider that particular aroma a pretty negative one, but to me it smelled like home. I grew up with the sounds and sights and smells of horses and cattle and hay and dirt and everything that goes with it. When I smell it now, especially in the middle of the city, it's welcome and nostalgic and makes me happy to be alive. Unless it's pig shit. Then I just want to vomit.

FH and I found a photographer that we love, and she's affordable. I made appointments to go dress shopping with some of my favorite girls when I go to Dallas in a couple of weekends. Things are back on track as far as wedding planning goes.

I'm looking forward to this week. I'm trying not to let that little voice in the back of my head tell me that things are too good at this moment and that it's a harbinger of something bad to come get to me. I'm riding this feel-good wave as far as it will take me.

Fiscally Fit

2011-02-26T13:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't been to the gym today. I am in a fanTAStic mood, though. I got my "bonus" check today, which is really just a portion of my salary that comes in a lump instead of spread out. But what that means is that I can finally complete my plan to become fiscally fit again. I spent last year living a little above my means for a couple of reasons. I lived in a house that I signed a lease on expecting to have a roommate (which didn't happen). I had a car payment, credit card bills I couldn't pay down (thanks to medical bills and a little more of that rent fiasco), and I was living paycheck to paycheck, or so it felt.

After FH and I moved in together my financial life started to come back down to Earth. Once we decided to get married, I developed a plan. I wanted to have $2K in a savings account by the time we were 6 months out from the wedding date. I began saving around $400 a month (and so did he) to prepare for a down payment on a house some time in the next couple of years. I started using the money I saved in rent and utilities over my solo lifestyle to pay down the two credit cards I have, and tried not to use them very much (if at all) so that I could get them paid off. I figured out that I could have those balances at zero, make a dent in my student loans, and have the $2K saved up by April if I stuck to my plan. That plan included using this "bonus" check along with my entire tax return to finish paying off the credit cards.

And this morning, when I checked my financials and discovered that the "bonus" had come in, I executed my plan. As soon as the payments post (I've been checking a little obsessively waiting to see that big $0.00 balance) I will have no credit card debt. I'll be down to a car payment (which I'm ahead on) and a student loan payment every month, and will have some extra money to pay for wedding stuff and STILL save that $400 towards a house.

It's like the weight of that big number is finally off my shoulders. I'm feeling awesome, and I just wanted to share.

Shepherd's Pie Recipe

2011-02-24T18:17:00.001-08:00

I made some yummy, easy, comfort food for dinner tonight and thought I'd share the recipe.

Shepherd's Pie (Pirated from Cooking Light)

Yield: 4 servings (serving size: 1 cup)

Ingredients
2 cups prepared mashed potatoes (such as Simply Potatoes)
3/4 pound ground sirloin
3/4 cup picante sauce
1/3 cup water
1 tablespoon ground cumin
2 teaspoons sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 (15-ounce) can kidney beans, drained and rinsed
1/2 cup (2 ounces) preshredded reduced-fat extrasharp cheddar cheese
Preparation
Prepare mashed potatoes according to package directions; keep warm.

Cook beef in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat until browned, stirring to crumble. Stir in picante sauce, water, cumin, sugar, salt, and beans; bring to a boil. Reduce heat; simmer until mixture thickens (about 5 minutes).

Remove from heat. Spoon mashed potatoes over meat mixture, and sprinkle with cheese. Cover and let stand 2 minutes or until cheese melts.

Calories:279 (19% from fat)
Fat:6g (sat 2.2g,mono 2.2g,poly 0.5g)
Protein:25.7g
Carbohydrate:30.5g
Fiber:8g
Cholesterol:48mg
Iron:2.2mg
Sodium:699mg
Calcium:88mg

I added some chopped celery and wilted some leftover fresh spinach into the mix before I popped the whole thing in the oven. It was delicious, and a hit with my whole house.

What Follows A Bad Week? A Good one, It Seems

2011-02-24T18:09:00.001-08:00

This week has been really great for me. It's so strange that last week I could feel myself slipping into old bad habits with no ability to get out again. And this week? It's been great! FH and I have been really clicking, especially since Tuesday. I've been to the gym 4 of the last 5 days, and today...I went back to kickboxing. It kicked my butt, but I made it through. It was a strange class, and the first of its kind I've taken where we didn't use the heavy bags. But it was still a great workout, and I can definitely tell I'm going to feel it tomorrow.

I am so proud of myself for making it through. Now I just need to find a class that will work for me once this "new schedule" kicks in. I may even head back to the Downtown Y and take my old class if it fits back in.

That hasn't been my only yay moment today either. This morning, I woke up early (on my own, thank god, because the electricity had gone out and killed my alarm clock) and I decided to try on my "skinny pants" just for funsies. These are my size 18s that I haven't been able to fit into for at least five months. Anyway, I tugged them on this morning...and they fit. Granted, my thunder thighs make them just a *leetle* too snug to wear in public, but they buttoned, they zipped, and they didn't feel like they were cutting me in half. I'm back on the right track and I feel GREAT!

AND, I got my new (very first ever) smartphone last night. I've been downloading all kinds of apps, and tried my hand at tracking through my phone today. I like it. I can still get on the computer to add my own thing in when I need to, but the app is really user-friendly and kind of awesome.

Frustration

2011-02-21T17:13:00.000-08:00

I have been frustrated with myself this past week. I fell back into some of my old habits, like eating two dinners when one is all I really need or want. It happened more than once, but less than every day. I skipped my workouts three times, which means I only spent an hour and a half at the gym last week. I have no idea what the scale will say on Wednesday.

But, I am back on track so far today. I ate a protein bar for breakfast because I was on the run, chicken tacos at a local restaurant for lunch, a fiber one bar for a snack, and I'm making a yummy recipe for dinner tonight. I went to my 90-minute Zumba class yesterday, and today I spent 45 minuts on the treadmill (3 miles). Last week's missteps are not enough to derail me. I can feel my progress, and I am hungry for more. I think I'm ready to tackle a kickboxing class again. I'm going to spend this week finding one that fits into my schedule. It may be a little tricky, because my district will probably be solving our snow day problem by adding time to the end of the day. But I will make it work. I've done it before.

Anyway, here's the recipe for my dinner. It's actually been in rotation at my house for a few years. It's modified from a Rachael Ray meal I saw in college.

Here's Dinner. It's one of my favorite comfort recipes.

Lemon and Poppyseed Chicken with Sweet Pea Mint Couscous
Ingredients
2 1/2 cups low sodium chicken stock, divided
8 oz frozen peas (about one box)
1 box couscous (I use Mid-East plain or whole wheat if I can find it)
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil (EVOO)
3/4 cup flour (though you actually USE less)
Salt and pepper
2 lemons zested, 1 juiced
1 1/2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breast cutlets, cut into bite-size pieces
2 cloves garlic
2 tablespoons poppy seeds
10 leaves of basil, chopped (I usually use dried and eyeball it at about 1T)
10 leaves of mint, chopped (same here, dried, 2t or so)

Preparation
Place a medium-size saucepot over high heat and add 1 1/2 cups of the chicken stock. Bring to a boil then add the peas and the couscous. Place a lid on the pot and turn off the heat. Let sit for 5 minutes. I actually usually do this towards the end, after I turn the chicken.

While the stock is coming up to a boil for the couscous, place a large skillet over high heat with 3 turns of the pan of EVOO, about 3-4 tablespoons. While the skillet is heating up, place the flour on a plate. Toss the chicken in the flour to coat, shaking off any excess. Add the chicken pieces to the hot skillet. Season the chicken salt, pepper and the lemon zest, and cook for 8-10 minutes, stirring every now and then to get them brown all over. If you're missing whole lemons, you can leave out the zest.

Once the chicken has browned, add the remaining cup chicken stock to the skillet. Once the stock is hot, poppy seeds. Stir until the sauce has thickened up a bit, about a minute. Turn off the heat and squeeze the juice of 1 lemon into the pan.

With a microplane or the smallest grade of a handheld box grater, grate in the garlic the last 2 minutes of cooking.

Calories: 532.3
Total Fat: 10.5 g
Cholesterol: 82.6 mg
Sodium: 577.6 mg
Total Carbs: 61.1 g
Dietary Fiber: 6.2 g
Protein: 47.6 g

What's A Week, Anyway?

2011-02-17T17:11:00.001-08:00

So, it's been a week. I have definitely had the ups and downs. The weather has been GORGEOUS this week, but somehow it hasn't snapped me back to my healthy ways. I had a couple of bad days, and I haven't been to the gym as often as I normally go this week. That being said, today is a new day. Yes, I ate an entire Subway footlong for lunch, but I tracked it. And, with the calories I had left over for dinner, I'm making some kick-butt Asian chicken and I'm going to enjoy it.

I talked with some of my teacher buds today about the weight loss and working out, and I got a little fired up. They know that I lost about 80lbs a couple of years ago, and suddenly they're all looking to me for advice. I won't even begin to act like I know everything, but when I have something that's worked for me, I want to share it. Tomorrow I'm taking my new find and love, PB2 as a veggie dip to go with my leftover lunch.

I haven't really been on the cooking wagon this week. It's been a lazy supper time for me, and I've either been cooked for (thanks to my wonderful FH) or just cooked a "for one" meal every night this week until tonight. I'll post the recipe if it turns out worthy of sharing.

I did weigh in yesterday, and the news was good.

Last Week: 292.8lbs
This Week: 291.6lbs
+/- for the week: -1.4lbs

Not too shabby. I have to get myself back on track this week and keep up this progress.

But I can do it. I know that.

Wednesday Weigh-In

2011-02-09T07:28:00.000-08:00

Just a quick post this morning with the weekly weigh-in. I'm surprised it turned out so well considering my lackluster eating and exercise habits last week.

Last Week: 295.4lbs
This Week: 292.8lbs
+/- for the week: -2.6lbs!

Um...WOOT!

Who Is This Man?!

2011-02-08T20:20:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm off work again tomorrow. And the Y is closed for tomorrow, so I'll be hard-pressed to get my butt to work out. But I have a plan for food and activity, and I'll have no unexpected babysitting to do this week. All is well.

I gotta say, it's been a "yay moment" kind of week here at Casa de Awesome. FH went shopping for our Super Bowl Party on Sunday afternoon and the man came home with Whole grain chips! It's definitely a step in the right direction. He's also been more mindful of what he brings into the house. When he eats junk food, he eats junk food he knows I don't like. And instead of haranguing me to eat some of his chocolate or whatever, he'll offer me one pretzel m&m, or come kiss me after he's eaten a girl scout Tagalong. It's sweet, and it helps me stay on track. Knowing he's really on board makes this so much easier for me.

He hasn't jumped on the healthy wagon for himself yet, but I'm confident that he will. And if he doesn't? I'll still love him, and he'll still support me in whatever I do.

How lucky am I?!

Turkey Noodle Soup and Greek Yogurt Brownies

2011-02-08T20:00:00.000-08:00

Yet another snow day is upon us here in the Midwest. And you know what that means...cooking! So here's what I made tonight:

Roasted Turkey and Noodle Soup

Ingredients:
~1lb shredded roast turkey (I used the leftovers from this recipe that I made the other night)
1 bag No-Yolks egg noodles
4 stalks celery, chopped
1 medium onion, chopped
3 carrots, chopped
Italian seasoning
6 cups chicken broth
1 can 98% fat free cream of chicken soup
salt and pepper
garlic powder

Directions:
Cook noodles according to package directions.
Cook onion, celery, and carrots in skillet with cooking spray and ~1/4 water until tender.
Combine noodles, thawed turkey, vegetables, broth, and soup in large pot.
Season to taste with garlic powder and Italian seasoning (I used about 1/8 cup of Italian seasoning and 2t of garlic powder)
Stir all ingredients together until well combined
Heat through on low-medium for 15-20 minutes to let the flavors meld.

Serve hot with saltines or bread-thing of choice. I added 1T of plain Greek yogurt to my 1 cup serving and it made it SO creamy and delicious!

Calories: 195, Fat: 2.0g, Carbs: 29.4g, Protein: 14.7, Sugars: 5.3g, Fiber: 2.9g

Greek Yogurt Brownies

Ingredients
1 box Duncan Hines Family Style Chewy Fudge Brownie mix
1/2c egg beaters
1 single-serve cup fat free plain Greek yogurt

Directions
Mix all ingredients together until well combined
Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes in a 9'x13' pan (until a toothpick in the center comes out mostly clean)
Cut up and enjoy!

Serves 12
Calories: 215, Fat: 4.2g, Carbs: 40.8, Fiber: 1.7g, Sugars: 0.8g, Protein: 6.0g

Hope you enjoy!!

Back in the Game

2011-02-07T19:01:00.000-08:00

Well, as they say, every day is a brand new day. I ate on plan, I went to work, I hit the gym for an hour before I went home, and I made a healthy dinner and ate only that. I have left room for some girl scout cookies in my calorie plans, but honestly I'm so full I don't even know if I'll eat them.

Last week was not good for my self-esteem or my waistline. When I stepped on the scale this morning, I saw that a little bit. But a couple of days on plan and drinking enough water should be enough to at least reverse the damage, if not give me a loss for the week. I hope I can outrun the coming snowstorm tomorrow evening and hit the gym before all hell breaks loose again. Actually, if FH isn't home by ten or so tonight, I'm going to call it a night early and go first thing in the morning. I just watched the weather forecast models for tomorrow and it's looking like hell will break loose right around the time I'm expected to be travelling to Zumba.

I know that the weather and being stuck inside is a trigger for me. I'm also in a better place hormonally this week (TMI but, aside from the cramping I am loving this new Paragard thing).

So, I'm back on track. I already feel better. Now if I can just remember to take my vitamin tomorrow (it seriously makes a difference) I might be back to 100%.

Also, quick hello to the new hometown girls I've added to my follow list lately.

Frustration

2011-02-05T18:39:00.000-08:00

Today I'm frustrated. I felt depressed and crappy this morning, so I didn't get out of the house. I'm frustrated with myself for that decision. I'm also frustrated with myself because I inhaled twn chocolate chip cookies because I was depressed and didn't even enjoy them. I ate them in my car, and threw away the package before I came in the house. This is a problem. This is the behavior that got me back to 300 pounds in the first place. It cannot happen past today.

I am frustrated with FH. I have no desire to hash out our issues on the internet, but it's a source of frustration this evening. I am frustrated that I cannot just go home and be away from him for a little while. I am frustrated that I don't have a retreat.

I am frustrated. I am ready to close my eyes on today and make better choices tomorrow.

Rosemary Turkey Breast

2011-02-03T19:27:00.000-08:00

I attempted my first roasted turkey tonight. I've had a big turkey breast in the freezer for a while, but when I went big grocery shopping I discovered that it was taking up too much space to be left alone. So I thawed it and roasted it.

Rosemary Turkey Breast

Ingredients
8 to 10 garlic cloves (I used one clove of elephant garlic because it's what we had)
3 teaspoons dried rosemary, crushed
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon smoked paprika (or sweet paprika)
1/2 teaspoon coarsely ground pepper
1 bone-in turkey breast (5 pounds or so)

Directions
Chop garlic cloves very fine (you can use a food processor if you have one)
combine the garlic, rosemary, oil, salt, paprika and pepper (just dump them in the food processor and pulse it to combine)
With your fingers, carefully loosen the skin from both sides of turkey breast. Spread half of the garlic mixture over the meat under the skin. Smooth skin over meat and secure to underside of breast with toothpicks. Spread remaining garlic mixture over turkey skin.
Place turkey in lightly oiled 9"x13" baking dish (my Pyrex worked perfectly)
Bake, uncovered, at 325° for 1-1/2 to 2 hours or until a meat thermometer reads 170°.
Let stand for 10-15 minutes. Discard toothpicks.

Here was my finished result:

It got rave reviews from everyone in the house. And it was pretty easy to do. I'll definitely be doing this again!

Nutritional Analysis: 4 ounces cooked turkey (calculated without skin) equals 166 calories, 3 g fat (1 g saturated fat), 85 mg cholesterol, 269 mg sodium, 1 g carbohydrate, trace fiber, 31 g protein. Diabetic Exchanges: 4 very lean meat.

Snow Week

2011-02-03T15:51:00.000-08:00

Well, the blizzard hit Tuesday, and officially we got 12 inches of snow. Unofficially, there was a three foot drift all the way around my car until this morning when I finally had to drive and dug myself out.

Tuesday afternoon I got called to baby duty, for real this time. The mom I nanny for went into labor, so they came and picked me up and I spent the night at their house with their toddler while they welcomed their new daughter into the world at the hospital 20 miles away. I packed my dinner (healthy leftovers from a few nights ago) and managed to stay on plan until the kid went to bed. Then I overate. Went over my SP calories by about 150.

When I got home Wednesday I ate ENTIRELY too much and ended up somewhere around 3000 calories for the day. I didn't log it until today so I wasn't SURE how much damage I'd done...but I felt lousy. But it's a day over, and I can't get it back.

Today we were out again, and I decided early to make it an "on plan" day. So far, so good. I've tracked everything for today and it looks good. The proportions are a bit off, but it's not bad for a cabin fever kind of day. I'm making rosemary turkey breast for dinner and if it turns out, I'll post the recipe. The gym was finally open, so I did 45 minutes of intervals on the treadmill too

School's already been called off for tomorrow. It was going to be a parent-teacher conference day anyway, so I'm not too surprised. Hopefully the gym will be open and I can at least get another day of cardio in. I picked up some supplies for wedding crafting today, so I'm going to keep myself busy making paper flowers and testing designs for bouquets. :)

Weigh in for this week:
Last Week: 297lbs
This Week: 295.4lbs
+/- for the week: -1.6lbs

Sunday, Sunday

2011-01-30T17:48:00.000-08:00

Sundays are an interesting phenomenon. This morning, I cleaned the house and took care of some of the laundry. There is SO much laundry when you add another person in. I also have a finite amount of gym clothes, so those have to be washed about every four days so that I have plenty of stuff ready.

After the cleaning and a little bit of relaxation, I went insane and decided to do the 90-minute Zumba class on Sunday at the Y. I gotta say though, it was fun. Two great instructors, TONS of variety and new songs, and some old ones I hadn't heard in a long time. I think I'm gonna try and make a regular thing of it. There's something called a "Zumbathon" in a couple of weeks. It's two hours, and you get in for a $10 donation that goes to the Red Cross.

I ate in my calorie range today, but I didn't make the best choices food-wise. I went "big" grocery shopping, and didn't eat lunch. I decided to try a "grazing" thing at work this week. Today I made up some trail mix with freeze-dried fruit, raw nuts, and marshmallows. I may think of some more things to add later, but basically the idea is that I pack a bag that meets the calories I want to be at by the time I get home, and eat it throughout the day. I'll also pack some carrot sticks and celery just to make sure I get the veggies and stuff in too. We'll see how it goes.

Sometimes You Just Don't Feel It

2011-01-29T14:35:00.000-08:00

This week I've been slipping a little bit. My workout got skipped yesterday because of crazy cramp-inducing medical procedure. I made lasagna last night, and I ate too much of it, and too much garlic bread. I've got a plan to get the rest of the leftovers into individual packages in the freezer to curb the urge to snack on 350-calorie lasagna.

This morning I woke up (after a fantastic night's sleep on a new bed...details to come) and I just...didn't feel it. I didn't take my multivitamin today, and that may have had something to do with it. I saw my patients today, even though I had to do some serious pep-talking in the car. Not really sure what's up. It is a BEAUTIFUL day outside. My patients are great people and I really do enjoy seeing them. I am having a little bit of that old "Do I really know what I'm doing? When is someone going to realize I am talking out of my ass?" thing.

I made myself go to the gym. It was a hard half hour of jogging and walking on the treadmill, but I do feel a little bit better. I'm going to do pork tenderloin with polenta and asparagus for dinner.

Rough Week

2011-01-27T17:38:00.000-08:00

So much for no staff meeting Tuesday. I thought it was optional, but it was not. And we were there until 4:30, which meant I got to the gym and changed with just a couple of minutes to spare before class started. My legs felt like lead. But I made it through the whole class, and I felt a lot better afterwards. Then i got called for BabyWatch. A friend that I nanny for is VERY pregnant, and I'm on call if they go to the hospital to have the kiddo. Their 3-year-old would be freaking out at the hospital, so I get to stay with him. :) I took a healthy dinner (leftovers) with me (because I had literally just stepped out of the shower when she called) and headed over. I ate my dinner, and drank some water there while playing with the chitlin. them they came home. False alarm. So I headed back to the house, where I was greeted by pizza. And I ate a couple of slices. And some chicken. And cheese. And it all came down to about 2200 calories for that day. Blargh. I was disappointed in myself. In spite of my planning, I ate poorly, and late, and too much.

Yesterday I went to a new and different Zumba class, with some strength training tossed into the last few minutes. I loved it. FH called and informed me that we were going to Texas Roadhouse for dinner. So we went. I ate a salad, chicken, and a sweet potato. And a roll, and a couple of rattlesnake bites. When ig to home I logged everything and came in within the SparkPeople counts. I still feel like I ate too much...but it wasn't the end of the world.

Today, I feel like I'm rocking. Went backk to awesome Zumba, tracked everything I ate today and I'm well within my range, and I haven't felt hungry or deprived at all today. Here's hoping I can keep this up.

This week's weigh-in wasn't as bad as it could have been. Wednesday morning, every time I stepped on the scale I got a different number (from 296 to 298.8, even 303 one time...but mostly in the lowers), so I picked one in the middle to be the "official." This morning when I stepped on it was back up to 298...

Last Week: 298.8
This Week: 297
+/- for the week: -1.8lbs

What It Means to Binge

2011-01-24T19:37:00.000-08:00

I track my food, water, and exercise daily on SparkPeople. I use their formula to figure out how many calories I should eat every day. They base it on my BMR, my workout schedule and projected calories burned per week. According to their magic numbers, I should eat 1600-1980 calories per day to achieve my stated goal, which is to be down to 250 by the end of June.

Personally, I aim for 1400-1500 calories per day. It's easier to hit on days where I'm not home for very long and I remember to eat breakfast and take my lunch to work with me. For the past few weeks, that's been the norm. My "day off" from caring whether or not I hit my calorie goals is something I need every week or ten days to keep me on track.

So here's my dilemma. Yesterday I decided to have my "off" day. I still tracked everything I ate, just to see how much damage I did. I didn't pay attention to how many calories I had left or anything...didn't even put everything in until today. Yesterday I racked up 1800 calories. Today, I skipped the gym because I had a phone appointment with a prospective wedding photographer and FH wanted to be there for it...and being home for that long with delicious leftovers (recipes later) led to a little grazing and a little more snacking than I usually do. That, coupled with the fact that I ate breakfast and lunch at Subway because I forgot both meals this morning. After I tracked everything (I'm pretty sure), I'm up to 1767 calories for today. Way over on sodium, thanks to the double dose of Subway...but everything else is within the guidelines that SparkPeople has set out for me.

One of the reasons I try to stay between 1400-1500 is because I can't track AS I eat lots of times. It's not unthinkable that I'd forget a morsel or two or, when I have to find something that's equivalent to whatever I whipped up that another user has entered, I expect it may be off by a few calories. Today I'm pretty sure I caught everything, except maybe a 5 calorie stick of gum. I felt like I binged today. I know that I ate more than I intended to, and I "sneak-snacked." But I'm within the range that SparkPeople says is good for me.

What do I do with that? I guess we'll see come weigh-in how well this works.

I have no staff meeting tomorrow (thank GAWD), so I plan on spending some extra time at the gym. I'm a day behind now because I missed Sunday thanks to the all-consuming craziness that is a Bridal Show.

What a Week

2011-01-21T16:46:00.000-08:00

Weigh-in, work, and gym on Wednesday. And then some time on Wednesday night, Oklahoma turned into a frigid, icy, hell-place and when I woke up Thursday morning the news said something like, "If you try to drive this morning, you WILL die horribly in a mass of ice and twisted metal. Oh, and OHP won't be able to help you. they're busy with all the other idiots." So no school and no work yesterday. I managed not to eat EVERYTHING in the house, and I stayed under my SparkPeople calories for the day.

Today, I intended to hit a Zumba class but I was misinformed about the start time, so I only hit half of it. When I got home, I discovered that the Core fusion Abs & Arms DVD I ordered on recommendation from my good friend Amado had come in, so I decided to give the upper body workout a try. Ouch. I know my muscles have gotten weak over the last six months or so, but I had no idea I was basically an infant in a big-assed body. At least it was a good hurt (or agony...). I want to be able to hang with it in a couple of months. And to get rid of my bingo wings by wedding day.

So here's hoping. I've managed to let myself leave almost half my calories for this evening. I'm going to have a snack now, and make something yummy (and healthy) for dinner when my men get home.

Oh! And this week's weigh-in (as of Wednesday)
Last Week: 300.8lbs
This Week: 298.8lbs
+/- for the week: -2lbs

2011's First Sick Day

2011-01-18T18:10:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning and my throat felt like gravel. I had a bit of a fever and a powerful desire to go back to bed. So I called into work and did just that. I stayed in bed until almost noon. It was very strange, to say the least. I haven't slept a day away in a VERY long time. Also, I scared the crap out of FH when he woke up because I was supposed to be gone. Heehee.

Anyway, it turned out to be a fairly productive day. I got some work done for BOTH my jobs, managed not to eat the whole day long, and spent some time with my favorite man. We went to a burger joint for lunch, but I got the gardenest one they had, with a turkey patty. It was delicious, and fit in my calories for today. Tonight, FH is making tacos. They're hot enough that I don't overeat, and delicious enough that I thoroughly enjoy them.

I went to and stayed for an entire Zumba class at the Y today. I was sweating, and sore from the strengthening class yesterday, but I hung in and gave it my all for the whole hour. It made me feel so good!

I've peeked at the scale a couple of times this week and haven't been overly encouraged. The moment of truth is in the morning though, so we'll see. And, even if the scale doesn't move so much tomorrow, I know I've accomplished a lot this week and I still feel like I'm on the right track.

I have a plan for a couple of fun recipes this week. I'll let you know how they turn out, and if they're worthy, I'll share!

A Quick Pic

2011-01-17T20:02:00.000-08:00

I've mentioned that I went to the rodeo yesterday. My sister-out-law snapped a couple of pictures of the day, along with a cell-phone recording of the performance.

I saw this pic and though,"ya know, it's not half-bad." I think I look kinda cute.

It made me see a little of the me that FH sees when he tells me I'm beautiful even when I hate the way I look. Kinda made me want to go wedding dress shopping.

Awesome Broccoli

2011-01-17T19:39:00.000-08:00

I've tried this recipe before, and I'm amazed I don't make it more often. It makes broccoli a treat of a side dish instead of "eww vegetables."

I'm borrowing it from The Amateur Gourmet who borrowed it from...somewhere else.

Anyway, here's the score.

You preheat the oven to 425.

Take 4 to 5 pounds of broccoli (I just got two large bunches), cut into florets (but relatively big ones.) Here's the key that she doesn't mention in the recipe: dry them THOROUGHLY. That is, if you wash them. I didn't this time because I wanted to broccoli to be all crispy, and it has a tendency to get a little steam-soggy if it's wet. So, if you wash it, dry it obsessively. I even let it sit out on the counter for a little while.

Put the broccoli on a cookie sheet. Toss with olive oil (1-2Tbsp), salt and pepper to taste. Now add 4 cloves of garlic that are peeled and sliced and toss it all together.

Roast all of this in the oven for 20-25 minutes, until the broccoli is crisp-tender and the tips of some of the florets are browned.

When it's done, take it out of the oven. Zest a lemon over the broccoli, then squeeze the lemon juice over everything. Add another tablespoon of olive oil, 1/3 cup of grated Parmesan, and about 1 tablespoon of dried basil (or 2T fresh, chopped). You can also add 3 tablespoons of toasted pine nuts, but I left them out.

Give everything one last toss and serve it up hot.

Enjoy!

Holiday Weekend

2011-01-17T12:36:00.000-08:00

It's been two weeks since I really started trying again. I'm trying to look for motivation and things to build me up every day, not just when I feel down or especially tempted. I have been running across this trend called a "decadence list" and I think it might be a good thing for me to do. I'm going to spend a little time today coming up with things to add to it, and it will have its own entry when I'm through.

Yesterday I did not make it to the gym. I stayed at the rodeo, and then ate Genghis with my family. I had a handful of curly fries at the rodeo and about 40 oz of water. Of course, the temptation was there for the "bodacious burritos" and the indian tacos, but with no cash and constant chatter in the seats...I didn't give in.

I did make an apple tart when I got home and ate a big ol' portion, but I tracked it, and I tracked the slice of cheddar cheese I had at about 11. I think something I need to work on is spacing out my calorie intake. My calories after six o'clock last night were over 1000. I stayed under 1600 for the day...so almost 2/3 of my intake was in the evening. I know that the "eating after 7" thing is more myth than fact, but waiting until dinner to take in all those calories can't be good. So this week I'm going to work on spacing out my calorie intake between 3 "meals" and two to three "snacks" every day. I've gotten into the 100 calorie packs of almonds which I'm loving. Next time I find a big tub of almonds I'll make my OWN packs, but this is what they had last time I went looking.

This morning I went to the gym to a class called Core Strengthening. It was Pilate's-based, which is completely new to me. I couldn't do most of what she was asking. I tried, and it hurt (so good), but the geriatric set in that class was kicking my BUTT with every single exercise. I knew my core was a little weak, but I felt like a wet noodle (albeit a VERY heavy one) in this class. So I went and worked 45 minutes on the treadmill afterward.

I feel pretty good. Weigh-in to come on Wednesday. I am HOPING for a substantial loss this week, but I don't think it'll be as big as last week. I've just got to keep it up!

Long Weekend?

2011-01-15T12:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I decided to take the night off from caring what my calorie count was. I don't think it was worth it. We stayed at the birthday party for about an hour. I had one drink. I was grumpy because, if I was going to take a night off, I wanted it to be a big night. It wasn't. I was ticked. But I got over it. FH and I actually had a really, really good talk when we got home. It doesn't happen that often, so it's both noteworthy and precious to me when it does.

There was a bright spot though. Even though most of my cute tops are still too snug on me, I fit into a pair of smaller jeans last night and I could still breathe. :) Yay!

Today, I ate a little breakfast, I ran a couple of errands, I saw my patients, and I went to the gym. I did another 45 minutes on the treadmill. I'm trying an interval approach. One minute at my top sustainable speed, and then a few minutes to recover (with varying incline). I haven't been at it long enough to tell if it's working better than my earlier approach, but I FEEL like I'm getting stronger and my stamina is growing.

I plan on trying to make Zumba tomorrow. The class is 90 minutes...I'm not sure I'd be able to hang for the whole thing, but I want to go. I have Monday off of work and I'll be on my own all day. I plan to hit the gym then too. I would really love to find someone to write me a strength training program to fit with the goals I have for myself. I feel like I did the strength training offered by FitLinxx for a long time and didn't SEE the results. I didn't have a whole lot (read: any) guidance with it...and it's the one area where I'm a little lost. Cardio-wise, I have a pretty good idea of what's out there and what's going to work for me.

Haven't stepped on the scale since Wednesday. I kind of want the happy "surprise" of seeing a 2 at the beginning of my weight by next weigh-in. I already said goodbye to the 300's once before and I'm eager to do it again. I am aiming for the healthy sticking weight this time around. And, much as it terrifies me to think about it, I'd like to be healthy enough to carry a baby and not be super-high-risk by the time this is all over.

So, with that, I leave you for now.

Two This Week

2011-01-14T17:39:00.001-08:00

I have decided that today I'm not counting my calories. I have a birthday party to go to at a bar in a little while, I had Qdoba for dinner, and then I tried the Red Velvet Cheesecake blast from Sonic. And I went by the gym, but there were literally NO parking spaces, and I still had crap tons to do before tonight.

But, I'm not letting this derail me. I'm calling this my no-count day for this week (weigh-in to weigh-in). I'm hitting the gym tomorrow after I see my patients, and I already have a fantastical dinner planned. I plan to hit the gym Sunday as well, but we'll have to see what the day holds. I'm singing the National Anthem at the IFR on Sunday at 2. There's a Zumba class at 3:30, and the gym closes at 5. It all depends on whether or not my family (and ride to the rodeo) decide to stay for the whole thing. But, if not...I will have worked out my 5 days and burned the calories that SparkPeople wants me to and then some.

I went to a Zumba class last night and felt like I was hanging in. My goal is to get back to where I'm keeping up instead of hanging in, and then graduate myself (by March) back to kickboxing and try the new Body Pump classes the Y is offering. I am ready to be able to do that again.

Quick Wednesday Update and Weigh-In

2011-01-12T15:46:00.000-08:00

I am attempting to covertly update from work. Blogger has this amazing "update by email"feature, and I'm hoping it works. (Edit: It didn't. No idea what went wrong)

Anyway, I planned for the weekend, and I think I did pretty well. I took Monday "off" from the whole thing. Didn't go to the gym, didn't worry about counting calories. It was a good thing. I ate too much, but my stomach realized it and I "paid for it" by being uncomfortable. I take this a s a good sign. A couple of weeks ago I was hard-pressed to make myself feel full, no matter what I ate. Getting back to a normal cycle for fullness and hunger is REALLY good for me.

Last night, I was supposed to go to a sneak peak movie with FH. We had a little bit of a fight when I got home (I'd had a crappy day and so had he), and then he had to go into work. I'd skipped the gym to save time and make sure we made it to the movie, but when FH left, I decided to go hit it. I worked my ASS off on the treadmill for 45 minutes. I didn't spend as much TIME running/jogging as I have in the (dstant) past, but I jogged and walked faster than I thought I could last week. And I burned off about 700 calories and a crapload of frustration. I came home, made a healthy (and delicious) supper, and called it done.

I weighed in this morning. Can't even tell you how happy I am to report:

Last Week: 305.8lbs
This Week: 300.8lbs
Loss/Gain: -5lbs!

What Weekend?

2011-01-09T18:25:00.001-08:00

I decided to try and track at least six days a week with my eating. I have also committed to going to the gym at least five days every week. I also work my second job primarily on the weekends. So it's been a bit busy around here.

I've stayed within or under the Sparkpeople recommended calories for seven days now. I'm pretty proud of myself there. I've been to the gym faithfully, working up a pretty good sweat every day too. I've curbed my mindless snacking for the most part this week, and in exchange I drank amsot 100 oz of water a day.

Today I hit the gym with every intention of hitting a Zumba class. I walked in and there were SOOOO many people in that gym, there could not possibly have been room for little ol' me. So instead I did a half hour on the arc trainer (even though I wanted to quit afer ten minutes).

Tomorrow is my irst full day back in the black hole that is my middle school. It depresses me a little to think about it. But hopefully it will go smoothly. Tomorrow night I have a date with FH to see The King's Speech, which may be the first movie to try to make speech patholoy cool. And...it's Geoffrey Rush as the therapist. After that we're going to eat cheeseburgers that are NOT AT ALL good for us. And I'll be back to normal on Tuesday.

I feel good this week. I've stayed positive even though my workout pants that used to be capris are now shorts, my sports bras give me a back fat muffin top, and I've had to break out the 2XL shirts.

Weighing in on Wednesday!

Bomb Recipe

2011-01-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, I know I already posted today...but I made this pie and it is just...awesome. So I thought I'd share.

No-Bake Silken Chocolate Pie

Ingredients:
1 graham crucker crust prepared
1 box Mori-Nu Lite Silken tofu, firm
1 1/2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
1/4 cup strong black coffee
1T vanilla extract
Whipped cream or raspberries or strawberries (optional)

Directions
Melt chocolate chips in double boiler with coffee and vinalla
Blend tofu in blender until smooth
Add chocolate/coffee/vanilla to blender until smooth and uniformly mixed
Pour into pie crust and chill, covered for 1-2 hours
Top with fresh berries and whipped cream

Fat: 11.0g
Carbohydrates: 26.3g
Calories:206.1
Protein: 4.1g

I can't even tell you how awesome this recipe is. It tastes SO indulgent, and it's not going to completely wreck your day. I won't make it every week...but when I'm craving chocolate something fierce, one slice of this does the trick. And it's so rich, I don't even want more than that.

Thursday Quickie

2011-01-06T16:56:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update today. I went to the gym even though i didn't want to. I feel like I've eaten an enormouse amount of food, but I tracked it to the morsel, and I'm still well within my calories for the day (whoohoo!). Also, I have the best Future Husband in the entire world. He is exactly what I need him to be, all the time, whether I like it or not.

Today, I forgot I had an extra kiddo to see after school. I was heading to the gym when I remembered. So I went and took care of her. It was well worth it, she's amazing. I visited the FH at work to say hello and get a much-needed kiss and hug. I felt like I had a lot to do at home. I was four minutes from the house. It was well after 5, and in January that translates to a VERY crowded gym. I didn't want to go. But he talked me into it. I asked him when I started this thing to help me. And he helps me more than I even know. He not only talked me into working out, he talked me into doing it at the gym today. And because it was so crowded, I had to do an unfamiliar cardio machine. And my abs are killing me. but in a good way.

No Really...Kick Me

2011-01-05T16:15:00.000-08:00

I think my body gave up on me in November. I did 33 minutes on the elliptical today. It's the default time for the "weight loss" program setting. I used to do that program on days I didn't do the treadmill, or before a Zumba class. Last time I tried it, back right before Thanksgiving, I upped the resistance from 1 to 4 for the low points, and from 8 to 10 for the highs. I still had to pump it like crazy to get my heart rate up to 80% (which is around 160bpm for me). Today, I didn't up the resistance at all, I took it pretty slow (only 2.21 miles total) and my heart rate was at 165 by the end of the third hill. It had been so long since I looked at that time thinking with the constant countdown in my head that it seemed almost foreign. I remember doing that back in college when I was "trying" to get healthy.

So I'm adding to my plan that this month, I'm going to get back up to class level. By February 1st, I aim to be able to make it through two or three Zumba classes a week without thinking i"m going to die. Zumba, while a great and fun way to work out, ain't all that much work. Hell, once upon a time I used to do a kickboxing class and THEN Zumba. I want to get back there.

I have to get over this instant gratification thing that gets me every once in an hour. I think to myself, "Okay. I started working out. By this time next week the size 18 pants should fit again." The reality is, that's not going to happen. It's going to take some serious work over many months to get back to where I was. So I've got to take it a ste at a time, and remember all the little victories I will have along the way. They are even more important than the big ones, really. Without the little victories in between each major milestone, I don't think I could stay in this game.

I had a little victory today. I finished my delicious lunch of leftover tuscan chicken, yoplait, a clementine, and a string of cheese and felt pleasantly full. Then a teacher brought in a big ol' bag of brownies. Even though my mouth started to water and they looked (at least a little) delicious, I didn't eat one. I drank my water, got off my ass, and got some work done in the ten minutes of break I had left.

Oh, and I finally weighed in.
Weigh-In the First: 305.8lbs

A Kick in the Fat Pants

2011-01-04T16:43:00.000-08:00

Today I got one. I went to the gym for the first time in a month. I hopped on the treadmill. I walked for 45 minutes between 3.2mph and 3.7mph and I thought I was gonna die! Not two months ago I was working on my 5k time and had it under 45 minutes. Today? Not so much. I ballooned over the past two months, something horrible. Something in my body clicked off this last time I stopped trying. Now it feels almost like I'm starting from scratch.

But I'm starting, and that's where I want to be. HutureHubs is snoring away on the couch. He is not yet on board with the healthy lifestyle choices, but assures me that he will be "soon." I can't let that swing me. I can't let it stop me. I can't even let it slow me down. So what if I'm starting over? Isn't that what this is all about?

Anyway, went to the gym, only snacked on a little bit of the boxed monstrosity FH made for his meal today (whole grain helper with velveeta shells and cheese light in it plus a ton of spice), and I'm defrosting my own dinner. I chose that instead of my cheese stick snack because it was sitting there all convenient and kind of delicious looking. He can eat what he likes. I will say no to the fudge-covered Oreos in the fridge AND the boxed monstrosity leftovers that are now in the fridge.

I forgot to weigh in again this morning. Oops. I think I may be avoiding it because I know I'm not going to like what I see. But I've got to get it over with sometime. So we're aiming for tomorrow. Wednesday was my weigh-in day way back when too.

Speaking of way back when...I was reading this post today and it really resonated with me again.

I. AM. READY.

The Plan

2011-01-03T15:45:00.001-08:00

The new year has started in earnest now. I'm a little bit ashamed to count myself among the New Year Dieters, but it honestly seemed like the best time to make a new start (again). It's my first day back at work since the holidays. I am wearing the largest pair of pants I own, and they're dangerously close to fitting. I can still get them on and off without the buttons, but the legs are not nearly as loose as I'd like them to be. And though I have to tug on them every twenty minutes, the damn things refust to fall down.

I'm weighing in in the morning. Partially because I think Mondays are terrible days for things like that, and also because I woke up late this morning and forgot. Anyway, last time I was here, I was ready for a new plan. I went back and read a few of my old posts, and I have that same feeling again. I'm ready.

So here's the plan:
First and foremost, I'm going to stop eating in the car. It became one of my big things last year. I'd go to drive-thru-du-jour for FH, get something for myself, and eat it on the way home. Or I'd pass a fast food place, get a craving, and before you know it, I'd be through the line stuffing wrappers into Wal-Mart bags to throw in the dumpster before I went in the house. I know it's not a healthy way to live, so I'm going to nip the whole thing and just say no eating in the car.

Secondly, it's back to the gym. At least four times a week. This month I'm doing a SparkPeople challenge that involves 5 cardio sessions a week and four ten-minute lifting videos per week. There's accountability and incentive built in. Also, I joined a 2011 Brides group on Spark, and I'm doing their challenges too. I figure if a drop-in at the gym is five bucks, and I'm spending forty a month on the membership...I'd better make that forty worth it. that means getting each visit to UNDER five bucks...which means at least four days a week at the gym. I want to work myself back up to kickboxing and boot camp. I really did love beating the crap out of things.

Thirdly, no eating on the couch or standing up. We have a FABULOUS new (to us) dining set that's the perfect sie for us, so when I eat, it will be there. Also, probably when I craft...and compute...and DIY. And, after all the elbow grease I put into cleaning that sucker, I'd almost sleep on it I'm so proud. I'll put pictures up as soon as I find my SD card.

Fourthly, tracking. I always, ALWAYS do better when I track everything that goes into my mouth and all the work I do to get healthy. I've done today. In a month I'll have the schwanky new phone so I can do it on the go too.

And lastly, for now, about the food itself. I went "big" grocery shopping yesterday. I filled our house with fresh veg, winter squash, whole grain/whole wheat pastas and breads, canned veg, and a healthier version of everything else we needed. I did opt for full-fat cheese, but I do it in moderation. My cheese sticks are still light. So long as I can keep the mindless eating to a minimum, and not dive into the leftovers for a "snack" I should be fine. I talked to FH about all of this last week. He told me too cook as healthy as I wanted. He said he'd either learn to eat healthier or stop eating. So far...it's been the latter. But the butternut squash mac-and-cheese I made other day was pretty bomb, especially the next day. He didn't like the texture. We'll find a way. :)

So there's that. Updates to follow!

A Long Time Coming

2010-12-28T10:52:00.000-08:00

I went to the doctor yesterday, and I was horrified to discover that, sometime over the last year and a half, I've regained almost sixty pounds. I am wearing the only pair of jeans I have that fit (size 24...they're too big, but still!), and half my clothes are too small for me. The other half are pushing it.

I took myself off of hormonal birth control last week. I feel better already, though I am still having trouble giving up the eat-everything-in-sight that came with hormone-induced depression. It is time again to make a plan and then follow through. I did it once as a single girl, and I am ready to make my healthy single life fit into my new, non-single life.

I see that it's been a VERY long time since I posted. Since then, I've moved in with the love of my life, gotten engaged, and put on another thirty pounds. It may seem like I'm being rather light-hearted about all this, but it's been throwing me into a pity-party spiral the last couple of weeks as, all of a sudden it seems, my waistline has decided to pay me back for the abuse.

So, next thing is to make a plan. I can't update the blog from work anymore, so I need to find a way around that. I don't live all by myself anymore, so I need to find a workable way to deal with leftovers, meal planning, and junk food in the house. I stopped bringing it here ages ago (except for the occasional bakefest), but it's here ALL the time anyway. And actually, I usually don't partake. I got on the fast food wagon pretty hard, and the "If it's in the fridge I eat it" wagon. So there's that to work around too. I need to track my food, which I can still do from work. In a month or so I'm getting one of those new-fangled smart phones so I can track wherever I am.

so, in the next 24-hours, I will post a plan. And I will stick to it. We're starting over again (though not QUITE from scratch). And this time I'm sticking.

I Am Not Hungry...

2010-06-30T19:47:00.000-07:00

But I am eating the damn key lime pie anyway. Today has been hard. Got thrown a curveball with the new landlord today. Really needed to discuss it with Xand, but haven't been able to. He canceled on dinner plans because of work, and probably won't be over to the house for another couple of hours. I ate the pie because I was upset that dinner got canceled. I ate the pie because I haven't seen Xand in days and wanted to spend some quality time with him.

That's all for now. I'm trying to get motivated again. Maybe putting money on it will help. More on that later

No News is Bad News

2010-05-08T08:06:00.000-07:00

It's true. The weight loss blog that goes un=updated for months at a time? Someone's been hanging off the wagon.

That someone is me. I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and discovered that I've gained 18 pounds since November. This is not okay. But since then, have I really done anything to get back on the right track? Um...not so much.

So what's wrong with me? I honestly don't know. If we're looking to lay blame, I can put some of it on the energy sap caused by my crazy hormones for half of every month (that's actually WHY I went to the doctor...I'm getting better now). Some of it can go to The Man and my life with him. He works SUPER long hours and eats like crap. When I'm with him, I tend to do a little of that too. But mostly it's just me. I've fallen back into that "tomorrow everything is going to change" mentality I had through my entire adolescence and college career. If I wait until tomorrow to start...well, tomorrow won't ever get here. I still FIT in my skinny jeans, but not if I want to sit and breathe at the same time. And those "one size down" pants I bought back in October? They're laughing at me from my closet...price tags still attached.

Something has to give, and it's going to be the seams on my pants unless I get off my ass and make something happen. I'm not going to make campaign promises, because I've been doing that for months during this slump. But I've got to get my shit together before I spike up into the 300's again.

Lord help me, I've got to do something. I have come way too far to stop now. I'm finally reading PastaQueen's book, and it's making me want to go out RIGHT NOW and change my life again. Can I keep up that mojo until I get back home? Yes, I can.

Lamenting, Venting...Lenting

2010-02-18T13:17:00.001-08:00

So, I'm trying to get back on track with everything and I'll be honest...I'm having a little bit of trouble. For some reason I've been insatiable in the appetite department lately. I've been making myself go to the gym more and working out, but I know that's only half the battle. I have to get both things together in order to get back on my downward slope toward my goals. I say downward slope, but for the past several months it's felt more like a sheer cliff I've got to climb.

At this point, I'm not sure exactly what it's going to take to get me back to where I want to be. There are a few things in my life that I'm getting together to help me get there, though. First, the new man in my life (more about him later) is currently working on his own journey to health and happiness. He's been dealing with a little tumult lately, but when he's back on track it will be easier for me to stay there too. For a while there, he was going to the gym six days a week and working twice as hard as I ever did. Sometimes it helps me to feel like there's a competition. Also, I found out that, even though he's bigger than me, inches-wise, I outweigh him. That shouldn't bother me because I'm reasonably happy with the way I look, I love the way he looks, and he loves the way I look. But it bothers me a little bit. I'm not saying it's anything like a dealbreaker (god no), but it may be a little bit of a kick in the pants I need to stay motivated.

Another thing that's very personal for me, is that Lent started yesterday. I'm not as regular a churchgoer as I used to be, but I still consider myself pretty spiritual. Lent has always been an observance for me, and this year is no exception. Even though fasting and feasting during Lent is a personal thing, I think it will help me keep accountable if my goals are out there in front of God and everyone. So here you go:

Fasting on:
- cupcakes (since the roomie moved in and the man came around, I've been to C&J far more often)
- fast food (excepting Subway, which I don't think counts.)
- soda (not a huge thing, but I've felt myself slipping back into the habit a little bit)

Feasting on:
- water (getting back to 64oz EVERY day)
- tracking (food and workouts at least 5 days a week)
- exercise (working out somewhere at least 4 days a week)
- spirituality (Lenten devotional every day)

So there you have it. Weight-wise, I haven't moved from where I was last time I checked in. I've gained three pounds and lost them a couple of times. Good week bad week. Over and over. I'm working on breaking that cycle. I'm not sure what's going to work, and I'm very sure I'm not going to be able to do it on my own.

Long Time Coming

2010-01-15T13:04:00.001-08:00

It's been almost two months since I posted?! How did that happen? I suppose I could chalk it up to many things. Here's my own recipe for absence:
A pinch of depression
A pound of fast food
A dollop of gym avoidance
A cup of the holidays
A sprinkling of snow
A teaspoon of embarrassment
A pinch of Websense blocking at work

Well there you have it. Since the last time I wrote, I have gained 8lbs. My lowest weight was 252 (briefly) and I got all the way back up to 262 over the holidays. I developed an unhealthy love of fast food (again) and scarfed it many-a-time in those two months I was gone. I never STOPPED going to the gym, but some weeks I only made it once. I was embarrassed at my behavior and my habits, and I didn't feel like posting my failures when I was just getting back to myself.

I'm doing much, much better now. Since we spoke last I've moved on from SSgt DB, though it took a lot longer than I would have liked. And honestly, I still think about him quite a bit...but it doesn't hurt anymore.
I've also gotten some of my good habits back. As I type this, I'm going on six days with no fast food (aside from Subway, which I don't count). I went honest-to-god grocery shopping last night and came home with supplies to cook like I cooked last year, which means healthy food that tastes delicious and fills me up. I have been to the gym four days already this week, and (unless I talk myself out of it) I'm going again today.

There have been a lot of changes in my life over the past two months. I don't want to get into it now, but I'll be back soon now that I'm back on track and back to myself again.

How is everyone else's New Year going so far? I don't believe in resolutions since I could never keep them, but I believe in revolutions, which is what my life is getting. :)

The Trouble With Love Is...

2009-11-16T19:25:00.000-08:00

The problem with being dumped, is that you don't get to say what you need to say. It's a cowardly thing to break up with someone via email (or text, or phone message). That's how Sgt Douchebag did it, though I'm not sure what made him suddenly so cowardly. I guess I won't ever know. I do know that someone who could deliberately hurt me so easily and without remorse didn't deserve my affection or my attention anyway.

I went to his house tonight to speak my piece and get the things I left at his house. I got my clothes back, and I met the Justin I wasn't introduced to when I loved him. He was cold, rude, and downright scary. He took everything I said as an insult (even though I didn't intend to be cruel). I am still hurting because he still hurt me. I wish things had gone differently tonight. But I'm glad I went over there and got it over with. I'm glad I met this scary version of the man I fell for before I was too far into the relationship to get out easily. Now it's up to me to close this chapter in my life and move on.

I think I'm gonna try and take a break from the dating thing for a while. I'm going to get back to focusing on becoming the woman I want to be. I didn't take the best step this evening by skipping kickboxing to deal with my Sgt Douchebag issue, but now that that's done, I'm ready to start working on me again.

I started this entry wanting to vent and speak my piece and do some man-bashing. I just really don't feel it anymore. I'm angry and hurt and not over the boy yet, but I'm too grown up to bash him all over the internet. I tried talking to him, but that got nowhere. It's not productive. I don't need to do it. I don't hate him, even though I wish I could. I still care about him even though he hurt me.

Anyway, I'm done. I got my things back, I got rid of the things that remind me of him. Tomorrow, I start my life without him, for real.

Back to One

2009-11-12T07:08:00.000-08:00

So, Sgt BF? Gone. In a spectacularly fuck-tardish fashion, I might add. I really don't want to talk about it just yet because I haven't finished dealing with the situation. Closure is eluding me for now. But suffice to say, he wasn't all he was cracked up to be.

So, that getting back on the healthy track? Happening a might sooner than expected. Granted, lying around on a couch all day and eating nothing only to go to the gym and push myself to the point of dizziness isn't exactly the healthiest option ever, but I'm not going to make a habit of that. I'm back at work for the first time this week today. I took Monday off to be there for the Sarge where I could, I took Tuesday off because I was still sick and Sarge was having surgery so I was pretty much useless. I took yesterday off because I still felt like crap and woke up to the shittiest kind of email.

Today, though? I felt alright waking up. I didn't get a lot of sleep, thanks to the constant coughing and general malaise, but I felt well enough that calling in would have just been a copout. Plus, better to keep busy than let my mind wander down all kinds of paths as the day on the couch drags on and on. There's only so much walking and tooling around on the piano I can do. This entry itself is my attempt at keeping busy while I'm waiting for the kiddos to start class.

Aside from my relationship and general health woes, I broke out the scale again this week. I think the numbers may be more due to toe woes than to anything I've been doing to improve my health over the last couple of weeks...but the numbers were good, so I want to post them anyway.

Last Weigh-In (10/22/09): 259lbs
Current Weight: 252.4lbs
+/-: -6.6lbs

That's officially under the "Morbidly Obese" mark for my height on the BMI. Granted, I think the BMI is pretty much bullshit, but it's kind of nice to be moved off the "critical list" and into a mere "severe obesity" category. I'm less worried about pounds at this point and more worried about how I feel and my general in-shapeness. Also, I have a couple of new "dream looks." Really, to be as gorgeously confident as any of the ladies in this shoot would be awesome.

I just realized too, that my current weight is a paltry 3.4lbs over my weight when I was my skinniest in high school. And I'm wearing smaller clothes now than I was then. I have a picture somewhere of me at 249. I'll have to try and find it.

Anyway, time for me to start my busy work day. Wish me luck!

Any advice for getting over a break up? I have very little experience in this area.

Falling Back

2009-11-09T07:24:00.000-08:00

This past couple of weeks have been tough for me, healthy-living-wise, anyway. Two weeks ago, I skipped the gym entirely. I managed to get a couple of walks in, but nothing super substantial. Last week, I went to the gym all of one time. Again, managed to get a walk or two in as well, but I've been eating like crap and just not feeling motivated.

I've kind of wrapped myself up in other things lately, I guess. I'm still struggling to find that balance, I guess. I've managed not to start going backwards up the scale and down the healthy ladder so far, but it can't last forever like this. This morning, I woke up with a rather severe sore throat. I've been coughy and congestionish all week, but it came to a head this morning. Hello, antibiotics. Hopefully I'll feel better enough this afternoon to at least get some cardio done. Not sure if I'm up for kickboxing tonight, but I've got to do something.

I'm a big old bundle of nerves today, on top of everything else. Sgt BF is probably, as I type this, getting himself checked into the hospital. He goes in for surgery tomorrow morning. It's relatively minor surgery, but still makes for frazzled nerves and worried hand wringing all day, for a couple of days. It also makes it tough because I can't be there with him, not really.

Anyway, I'm going to workout at least a little today. I'm working on getting back to healthy eating. Boyfriends are not always so good for my healthy living in that respect. So much easier to order takeout or nuke something and stay cuddled on the couch than it is to cook something healthy. And honestly, I'd rather be cuddled up on the couch than in the kitchen most days. I'd rather snuggle than go to the gym. The part of me that's been winning lately (read: couch snuggling, takeout ordering, lazy loving me) tells me to get all of this comfortable, blissful, coupley stuff I can get while I can get it.

But, life is about balance. I've got to work on that over the next couple of months. I'll let you know how it goes.

Damn, I didn't mean to get all melancholy. And this is the edited version. Call it nerves and sore throatiness. I'm too happy with my life in general for it to be anything else.

A Little Unusual

2009-11-02T15:07:00.001-08:00

I'm not usually an outfit blogger, but today, I felt compelled. I borrowed this dress from my good friend Jayme. I felt too cute today to not share it with someone over the age of 12. So here I am.

Riding the Crazy Train

2009-10-26T06:36:00.000-07:00

This past week has been a rollercoaster ride for me. Last Sunday I forgot to refill my birth control prescription even though I was out. I called it in Monday, but due to several circumstances (some, but not all beyond my control), I didn't actually pick up the prescription until Wednesday afternoon. I didn't really realize how much the low dose of hormones affected me until I didn't have them for a few days.

The "other me" had a big time last week. I'm talking about the little voice inside me that tells me that I'm not good enough, that every good thing someone tells me is a lie or a trick, and that I'll never be the person I want to be. She won out more often than not for a loooong time. In the past year and change, I've come a good deal closer to shutting her out. But she sensed my instability and seized her moment last week. I was alternately super pissed and super weepy all week long, in addition to being REALLY insecure about...everything. I was ticked off at Sgt BF for like, two days, and he didn't deserve it. Also, I didn't tell him. See, by this point, I knew the crazy insecure witch (let's call her Linzilla) had come out to play. I thought it best to handle the crazy on my own.

Anyway, Linzilla made for an...interesting weekend for me. On the plus side, I walked every day I was home. I did a little shopping, I read, I babysat, I carved a pumpkin or two...aside from feeling like I was waiting for the nuthouse to come pick me up, it was an okay weekend.

I'm feeling a little more like myself today. Here's hoping I level off in the next 48 hours and can behave like a sane person again, inside and out.

Finally, a Weigh-In

2009-10-22T07:02:00.000-07:00

It's been just over a month since I stepped on the scale. This morning the curiosity got the better or me, and I ventured to see my weight. I was pleasantly surprised, actually.

Last Month: 262.2lbs
This Month: 259.0lbs
+/- for the Month: -3.2lbs

That's nowhere near the kind of progress I was making last year at this time, but I'm still okay with it. I knew this journey was going to take a long time. I knew it was going to be hard work. I knew it was going to be frustrating as hell sometimes. So far, it's been all of those things. But my body is helping me along now, instead of dragging me down all the time.

I've been a bit of an emotional wreck this week, for no really good reason. I blame my hormone levels and missing a couple days of medication, mostly. Still, not fun. I've been to kickboxing and toning class, and did a strength circuit on Monday after walking the three miles to the gym.

In other news, it's now very official that none of my pants fit like they're supposed to. This is a great thing on the weight loss and body changing front, but not such a great thing on the financial side of the issue. I'z pretty poor right now, honestly.

And one other bit of news. Last year I had a fairly epic battle with little creatures known as bedbugs. I moved, got rid of most of my crap, and vowed it would never happen again. Until about a month ago. The suckers are back with a vengeance. But I have a game plan this time. A PCO is coming out tomorrow, my sheets are already on their way to scalding water (as are all the clothes in my room), and I've ordered some bitchin' mattress encasements to trap the little critters and slowly suffocate them. Mwahahaha!

Where Have I Been?

2009-10-17T12:27:00.001-07:00

Honestly, I've been keeping track of things for the most part. My life has not been so focused on the healthiness as it usually is lately. There are several reasons for this, I think. One, there's a new man in my life (and he shall hence be known as Sgt BF). He's been taking up a good chunk of my time and energy for the past six weeks. This is a very new (and kind of terrifying) place for me to be. I haven't tried the "new me" out with a partner yet. Hell, the "old me" didn't have much experience in that arena either, since we're being honest. So far though, it's working. Happy looks good on me.

As for other reasons? I've gotten into a bit of a new groove. I have a gym class buddy now, and she keeps me sweating my ass off at least a couple of times a week. Also, Sgt BF is a fan of physical activity, so at the very least I'm walking again.

I've cut down my gym classes to two or three a week instead of five or six like I was doing in July/August. I've been paying attention to what I put in my body but I haven't been tracking every single morsel like I have for the past year and change. But here's the thing. I'm still making some pretty significant progress. Granted, I haven't touched the damn scale in at least three weeks, but I'm noticing little differences just the same. So is he. :) Since last month when I measured, I've lost a half inch in my waist and an inch off my ass. Hooray! I think I may have finally reached that point where the muscles that I've known were there for months are making their presence known to the rest of the world.

I know this fairly lax attitude isn't going to get me to my ultimate goal. Eventually I'm going to have to buckle down and ramp everything up again. And I will. I can do that. I've done it before. For now? I think I'm happy with the leisurely pace. I'm a solid size 18 now, which I haven't been since I was too young to drive. I'm content riding the wave of happy that's kind of taken me over since Labor Day weekend. And my body seems to be pretty happy with it too. Weird how that works, right?

Um...Hi

2009-10-01T06:28:00.000-07:00

Wow, where have I been for ten days? Last week went by without me even remembering to post. Yesterday went by again and I gave it nary a thought. But what can I say? Yesterday, I was on Cloud 9. All. Day. I'll get to that later.

I've been doing alright mostly, as far as staying on plan these past two weeks. I say mostly because yesterday I ate fast food more than once (I was good though). I've eaten of the fast food a few times in the past week. I hate it, but I've been honest to god too lazy to make myself food in the mornings.

This traveling thing I've been doing for the last five or six weekends is really getting to me. I haven't been able to stock up on good groceries since August because I've been out of town all the time. I've eaten well, especially when I've cooked for other people. But I miss having all the good things at my fingertips. It makes it SO much easier to make good choices. It makes it easier to cook healthful things and have enough to eat on for a couple of days.

This past weekend, Rach came up and we had a big time. My sister out-of-law had her 22nd birthday, and we pulled off a surprise party for her that was only a little awkward because it was full of people we didn't know.

I went to kickboxing and Zumba last week, and I wogged on Wednesday. I haven't been back to the five-times-a-week I enjoyed the first few weeks of school, but I still feel pretty good. I think moderation is a good thing. And besides, once I'm not jet-setting around Oklahoma and Texas every weekend, I'll be able to make a Friday class again!

The beginning of this week felt a little strange to me. I'm not sure what was up, but I started to feel that tug of "ugh" that I used to feel all the time. I hit my snooze button for almost an hour Monday morning. Monday night I couldn't even get up the will to go to bed, so I slept on the couch. I felt like crap for two days. Disjointed and out of sorts, it was easy to go out for some little fast food something for lunch. I made myself go to the gym and do kickboxing and zumba. It really did make me feel better. I'm getting SO much better at keeping up in class and I love it. But I still felt like I was in pieces. Talking to someone about it makes me feel like it was the beginning of a depressive episode. I've never been diagnosed, even though I spent almost a year in that hole not long ago. I was too much of a wuss to ever GO and talk to someone about it.

I feel a lot better now, thanks largely to a wonderful guy I'll tell you more about someday. I have no idea what my weight is like this week. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's not great, especially since I didn't get all my water and ate a little like crap for a good portion of the past two weeks...but I feel lighter.

I'll try and remember to weigh-in before I head to ACL this weekend. It marks the last of my world travel for a while. Thank God. Next weekend I've got a Friday night concert, but Saturday and Sunday can be spent comfortably in my own house, sleeping in my own bed.

Weekends Away

2009-09-20T18:55:00.001-07:00

This has been my fourth weekend in a row spent mostly away from my home sweet home. Weekends have always been tough for me when it comes to eating healthy and staying on track. This weekend was no exception. I stayed away from the alcohol, which is good. But I ate way too much food that was none too good for me. But hey, you only get to do Oktoberfest once a year, right?

So, I don't know if I'll see a loss on the scales this week. I did three classes, one strength circuit, and I kept pretty active though, so we'll see.

This whole journey just keeps getting harder. I always knew I'd hit a point where I couldn't fudge like I used to and still make decent progress. I think I'm there. It's one of the reasons I haven't been seeing the kind of movement I'd like. I'm still eating like my BMR is 3000 calories. It's not anymore.

This week, I'm bringing a healthy lunch to school every day. I vow not to eat of the chocolate or of the fast food.

The more I think about it, the more I think a South Beach Phase 1 might be just the ticket to jump-starting myself again. But that's a really really hard thing to do when you're on the road three days a week. I'm only halfway through this crazy traveling season, so I don't think it's quite time for that yet. This weekend I'm off to Muskogee for a birthday and a little pet-sitting. Next weekend is ACL Music Festival. After that there are at least a couple more weekend getaways for various things...but I can't put my finger on them just now.

I came home from Dallas early this time, because I knew I needed to spend some down time at my own house. Today has been one of the most relaxing days I've had in a long time. I didn't get out of bed until almost noon, and it felt amazing!

This weekend I had a blast, in more ways than one. I love traveling, but right now? It's good to be HOME.

A Little Movement, A Lot of Progress

2009-09-16T12:33:00.000-07:00

Finally, a weigh-in I can love a little! I weighed myself this morning and actually saw a little downward mobility pounds department. It's about freakin' time! I know I said I could be patient, but honestly? I've been working my keister off the past couple of weeks!

Last Weigh-in: 264.2lbs
This Weigh-in:, 262.2lbs
+/-: -2lbs!

That's two pounds in two weeks, folks! Granted, it's nothing like the losses I saw last year at this time, but I'm pretty excited! I'm really focusing on being healthy this year. I know my progress from here on out is going to be slow and steady, and I probably won't lose two pants sizes by October again...but I'm making progress.

Actually, there has been progress in a few areas in my life lately. Work has been pretty good. I'm still pretty certain that public schools are not for me in the long term, but this year is going considerably better than last year ever went. Sure, I'm behind on a couple of things that are mostly beyond my control. Sure I still kind of feel like a greenhorn who doesn't really know what she's doing. But I have a plan for this year, and so far it's working out and making things easier for me, my kids, and my sanity. I will make it through this year, and I will do it with a smile.

This week at the gym, I've noticed again that I am stronger. I can do more of what the teacher asks. I can kick higher, I can squat lower, I can do more crunches and bicycles... I'm still pushing myself, but I have the will and the ability to go just a little bit further. It's a good feeling.

Last thing, promise. My confidence has been on a high lately. It's showing in the way I walk, the way I dress, and the little extra bit of effort I put into myself every day. People wonder what's different with me. I think it's happiness. I've been in a kind of funk for a long time, and I feel myself rising out of it little by little. I'm not sure why it's happening now, but I am sure that I like it.

I'm riding this high all the way to October if I can. :)

Good News

2009-09-11T12:12:00.001-07:00

No, I still don't have a scale I can count on. I did get blood work results back yesterday, though. Happy faces all around, booyah!

All the levels were right in the middle of normal. That hasn't happened to me in a very long time. Can't even tell you how happy I was when I saw all those happy faces.

This weekend I'll be zookeeping at the old homestead all by my lonesome. I'm going to try very hard not to raid the fridge too badly, and to get some work and relaxation done. Turns out I skipped class last night too, but hopefully this will not become a trend.

Today I'm headed to the dentist to see about this crazy wisdom tooth thing and get all kinds of scolded because I only go to the dentist when I have an immediate problem. Hopefully this one will get solved without emptying my bank accounts and upping my credit limit.

Scaling Back

2009-09-10T06:32:00.000-07:00

Well, not really. I still haven't bought a new scale. And honestly, I haven't even stepped on the thing since Friday. I'll tell you what I've been up to, though.

The weekend wasn't all healthy eating and exercising galore, but it wasn't too bad really. I got my big butt up and went for a wog (that's a walk/jog, by the way) on Saturday while I was waiting for Rach to arrive from Tejas. Once that was all done I went home and finished lesson plans and the therapy schedule for the semester (finally!).

Rach has become a very outdoorsy and active person, so we wpent a lot of the weekend outside playing with the dogs, horses, cats, chickens, and toys. We did some hard core rednecking on the 4-wheelers and I was holding on for dear life most of the time.

Things went great, for the most part. Tuesday I had a bit of a binge episode. I only made it up to about 2150 calories, but I felt like crap about it. Yesterday I skipped kickboxing (I had a date) and today I haven't decided which class I'm going to.

Probably not a loss this week, but I don't feel unduly huge. I caught a glimpse of myself in the giant mirrors at Zumba the other day. I was actually kind of okay with the view, which is kind of rare.

Also, I'm on my second dress for the week. I feel pretty!

I'm housesitting at the old homestead this weekend. We'll see if I can stay out of the frozen foods my parents ALWAYS have and instead spending my time with active-type things.

Wednesday...weigh in?

2009-09-02T06:49:00.000-07:00

I think I might need to buy a new scale. Mine doesn't seem to have taken the move very well. I still can't get a stable reading from it, no matter which floor I set it up on.

I did get one reading twice out of eight times this morning, though, so we'll go with that one for today's official weigh-in.

Last Week: 265lbs
This Week: 264.2lbs
+/- for the week: -0.8lbs

Not a huge loss, but definitely a small step in the right direction. I wanted to get this post done so I have an entry for today, but since I'm at work and actually need to DO my job, the rest of what I want to say will have to wait.

Diminishing Absences

2009-08-26T06:33:00.000-07:00

I'm now officially back into the swing of school. Tomorrow will mark the first "normal day" of therapy and kids and schedules and everything, and the year will be in full swing. Right now it's mostly potential energy, but tomorrow we're going kinetic!

I haven't posted my weight in a couple of weeks for a few reasons. 1) Try as I might to get my summer self under control, she ordered (and ate) almost a whole thin crust pizza from Domino's last week...twice. This was not good for my waistline, my self-esteem, or my well-being. 2) I haven't yet gotten back into the weigh and blog routine of the school year. That stops today. 3) I haven't been able to get a solid read from the scale in at least a week. Today, I stepped on five times in a row and got five, no six, no eight very different reads. I moved the scale to the hardwood floor, I made sure all the load plates were on a tile, I stood perfectly still...no dice.

However, I can give you a pretty good guess. Nothing's changed from two weeks ago. I definitely gained a little last week and have lost a little this week...but the numbers are staying the same.

This week I've done really well being on plan. I've been making my lunch the night before, getting up in time to have a filling, healthy breakfast, and I've been to the gym two days so far this week. Tonight I'm going to do my strength circuit and head to kickboxing at 6:30. Then back home for the last of my garden couscous and deciding what to do for dinner tomorrow.

I'm drinking plenty of water, my internal chemistry seems to be in order, and I have a plan of action. Let's hope the scale starts moving. I know this is about getting healthy and NOT about getting skinny...buut I don't know many 5'7" girls who are fit at 265lbs. Seriously.

Patience

2009-08-11T09:30:00.000-07:00

This summer has been frustrating. I can be on track with everything for a couple of weeks, and then I fall off the wagon. I know that a big part of the problem is the lack of structure in my summer. Not that I haven't enjoyed being able to stay home or go out, run errands at any time of the day, and spend all afternoon on a blanket in the park, but the lack of routine doesn't lend itself to weight loss. Plus, when I started packing to move, I quit cooking. Breaking the take-out habit has been tough, again.

I haven't lost any weight this summer to speak of. Can't say I'm surprised, but it wasn't in the plan. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm not going to make my 18-month goal weight. That's okay, really. It started out being almost too easy, and it's just gotten harder. This year I'm going to have to work my ass off, literally. I've got a good foundation built, but I'm going to need a lot of help to get me through.

I think it's time to start over. I feel that enthusiasm from last summer. I feel my new muscles, the strength in my body that hasn't ever really been there before. I've been back at the gym more in the past two weeks. The plan this week is to go to at least one class every day this week. So far, so good. I did Zumba yesterday along with my strength circuit, and today I did the muscle conditioning class and an abs class. I go back to work Monday. I'm kicking off hard and I can't let up, or I'll stall out and never get where I want to be.

This months marks a year since I started this journey. So far, it seems like this journey has been both far longer and far shorter. On the one hand, I've always struggled with my weight and fitness, and I've stopped and started trying to get healthy too many times to count. For a long time, I thought to myself, "This summer I'm gonna finally do it" or, "Once I graduate, it's on." When I finally sat down with myself and made the commitment, I wasn't sure how to make it any different than the other eleventy billion times I'd done the same thing.

I've lost 80 pounds this year, 4 sizes, and 95% of my fat clothes. I've gained confidence, muscle, an affinity for dresses, and dozens of new recipes and appreciations for foods I never knew I loved. Even though the scale hasn't moved in a couple months and I've had a hard time keeping myself on track, I feel good about the year. I'm frustrated, but I feel like I can wait a little while for results. For now, I can keep going to classes, keep my eating on track, and wait for the scale to start showing me some love.

I'm feeling very Zen about the whole thing right now. Let's see how long I can keep this up.

So, It's Been A Couple Weeks

2009-08-06T07:04:00.000-07:00

And Things? Well, they're going. I checked the scale yesterday morning and was UNpleasantly surprised to find I'd gained three pounds.

Last Weigh-In: 263.6
This Week: 266.0
+/-: + 2.4lbs :(

I know it's all my own doing. I made pizza a couple of times last week, and while I used all whole grains and made it pretty healthy...I ate the whole damn thing both times. Also, Cuppies, my favorite unhealthy hangout, has two new flavors I just HAD to try, a few times. I think Boom Boom Pow is on their website, but the real triumph is Narnia, which they haven't listed yet. I'll leave it there, so that when you come visit me I can show you the deliciousness for myself. I'm more likely to behave in Cuppies when I'm with someone else anyway. :)

I've been going to the gym more in the past two weeks than I did the two weeks before...but I haven't really been back on track with that until this week. It feels GOOD to sweat. I haven't been back to kickboxing in at least a month, but I've been to Zumba three times in the past two weeks. Next week, when I'm not babysitting (which is its own kind of exercise), I plan on hitting the classes I've missed.

My eating has been better this week. Since I started packing up my kitchen and stopped grocery shopping before I moved, I've been on a fast food and takeout kick I can't seem to, well, kick. I've been fighting it off with more success the past few days, but it's TOUGH.

I know this entry is a little salad-y, but it's what I've got. I'm in the process of talking myself into going to the gym today. It's been raining cats and dogs since about five this morning, so a run around the neighborhood doesn't look too exciting.

Making Home

2009-07-25T20:26:00.001-07:00

It's official. I'm moved in. I'm out of boxes and as soon as the paint dries on the dresser, I'll be out of bags and storage bins too! I had a bit of company yesterday, so I decided to finally make my living room presentable. I swept the floors (which is gonna be a chore, but I don't mind), vacuumed, and generally made the place spiffy. I took a couple of pictures of the most "finished" parts of the house, for your viewing pleasure.

This is my living room, as viewed from the dining room/office/music room. Don't worry, I didn't get rid of my big comfy chair, it's just on another wall. I customised the shades and put them up myself. I felt very "I am woman, hear me roar." I have plans for the fireplace wall, but they haven't come to fruition yet. Don't worry though, when they do, you'll know.

This is the view from my bedroom door. the furniture situation in my room is still evolving, but I'm loving the "headboard" so far.
So that's what I've been up to. Planning on going for a wog tomorrow morning, getting in a little ab work, and going to brunch at Buddha Tao with a friend. I'll post weight probably Wednesday.

P.S. I'm kind of delighted to announce that I need to buy new jeans again! All my skinny jeans are all saggy!

Moving Out

2009-07-22T06:22:00.001-07:00

I've been a bad girl again, waiting two weeks to post. It's been a hectic couple of weeks. I have moved from my second floor historic apartment to a cute little first floor duplex a couple of miles away. I'll post pics if I remember, but you can always find me on facebook and check them out there.

Anyway, this past couple of weeks has come with its own set of setbacks. I had a desire to not move a bunch of food, so I didn't do much grocery shopping beforehand. Also, I didn't want to use a lot of dishes after I'd started packing up the kitchen and whatnot, so I ate takeout quite a bit. Moving day and a couple of days after, I was having trouble with the a/c in the new place, so I didn't get much done because it was ultra-sweaty in the house.

I got moved, and had not hot water for twelve days due to a gas leak in the ancient pipes under the new house. Finally got that all straightened out yesterday when the gas man finally gave me the go-ahead and lit my pilot lights. This means I hadn't put my kitchen together until yesterday when I could finally wash a bunch of dishes without heating up water on the stove, chuckwagon-style. This means that I didn't eat anything I cooked for two whole weeks. Pizza, fast food, you name it. I was setting up the house and running errands, doing some little DIY projects and cleaning, organizing, and getting things done that whole time...But I haven't been to the gym in two weeks.

This sounds like a recipe for diet disaster, no? Well, I'd kept away from the scale because I didn't want that hanging over my head as well when all I wanted to do was make this house feel like home. So, I finally got everything put together yesterday, went grocery shopping, and decided that I'm not eating any restaurant food for at least two weeks. I am so sick of to-go boxes!

I weighed myself this morning, just to check in. Honestly I was expecting the worst, but hoping to have just maintained.

Last Weigh-in: 267.4lbs
This Week: 263.6lbs
+/- This Time: -3.8lbs!

Surprise! Moving heavy furniture and being active actually helps! I'm off to my first babysitting gig of the summer. I know, way to wait until the last minute, but I think I found the right family to make it work pretty long term. And they live less than a mile away, so that's cool.

I'm getting back to the gym tonight or tomorrow, and I'm really excited to make use of the kitchen. I'm armed with a new blender, coffee maker, and more counter space than I know what to do with!

Back on Track?

2009-07-01T06:57:00.000-07:00

I finally get to report a loss this week! I know I've been skating the past couple of months. I managed not to gain (thank God), but I hadn't really been focused on the endgame for whatever reason. No excuses, it just wasn't there. I knew this whole journey was going to be tough, so I was ready. That's the difference this time. I know what to expect, and I'm prepared to handle it and wait out the plateau, whatever form it takes.

Last week I went to the gym four days and walked an additional day. I did pretty well nutrition-wise, with the small exception of when my sis was in town. I've given up drive thrus (again) and that's making a big difference. I'm moving in a week and a half, and I'll be even further away from fast food joints, and closer to the grocery store.

Anyway, I need to get back to packing, and get some stuff loaded into the car. :)

Last Week: 268.8lbs
This Week: 267.4lbs
+/- for the week: -1.4lbs!

Wow...

2009-06-22T08:43:00.000-07:00

It's been a month?! I told myself that wasn't gonna happen.

Nothing much to report on the health-gaining-weight-losing front. I've been keeping up with the gym pretty well, but I haven't hit it as hard as I'd like since school let out. I lost three pounds while I was in Boston with Amanda(thank you walking city! Pics on facebook), but I put two back on when I was in Muskogee. So, for the month (eesh), here's the rundown

Last Month: 271.6lbs
This Month: 268.8lbs
+/- for the Month: -2.8lbs

Needless to say, I'm pretty far off my original schedule. Actually, that's kind of alright. I'm not falling apart like I would have before when I hadn't met my goals. Instead, I'm adjusting. I'd like to get back to around 10lbs a month loss, but I understand that I've been building muscle and whatnot since I started strength training. That's no excuse for no loss, though. Especially since I've been eating horribly lately. Not as horribly as I once did, but this week I haven't been far off.

Saturday I ate breakfast after I ate breakfast, and had a dhttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=6416429325520391139inner snack before going out to dinner with my parents. The one win for that day was that lunch was mostly salad, heavy on the iceberg and carrots.

Anyway, today begins a new day. I'm going to the gym this evening for kickboxing and Zumba. Tomorrow's plan includes an ab class, muscle conditioning, and some wogging either on the treadmill or on the way to/from the gym.

I need help this summer. Too much free time usually means me sitting on my ass FAR more than I should. I'm starting to get my house packed up to get ready for the move in a few weeks, but that only takes up so much time in a day. Encouragement welcome. Workout buddies even more welcome.

I'll let you know how it goes. Promise I'll update more than once a month.

Stronger

2009-05-14T19:01:00.000-07:00

I feel different today. I came home from work planning to hit water aerobics at the gym. By five-thirty, I'd pretty much talked myself out of going. That little voice in my head that wants me to fail had been nagging.

"You've been good this week, you deserve a break. Start your weekend early, it'll feel good."

I swear, sometimes I wanna reach in my brain and wring that girl's neck. She needs a name I think. Any ideas?

Anyway, back to the point of this entry. I'd just about let myself get talked out of going. But then, 5:50 rolled around, and I finally shut the little bitch up, got my suit on, and headed to the gym.

We got started with the class, and it's then that I noticed something different. I felt...strong. The instructor pushed us as hard as she ever does, and I kept up. With her! I sliced through the water with more ease, I rocked the water weight training, I didn't get winded as easily, but I pushed myself. I loved it!

Another thing? I can get myself out of the pool using my upper body, and without doing the "beached whale" thing. I still have to take a knee, but it's something I've never been able to do before.

I'm kind of on a gym high. Hooray!

Rainy Days and Mondays

2009-05-11T09:49:00.000-07:00

It's a tough morning, but not as far as this journey goes. It's a tough morning for reasons I don't even feel comfortable getting into while I'm at work (oops!), so I'll leave them for a later post.

Last week went alright. I got back to working out on Wednesday with a long walk, and went to Zumba on Friday, and the gym again Saturday. Also put in some time with the Wii Fit. Gotta say, the yoga's getting easier. I'm excited this week to get back in my routine. I've missed kickboxing the past couple of weeks. It really is a great stress reliever to be able to knock the crap out of something.

Still no South Beach book, but I'm good and ready for Phase 1 when it gets here. I'm already on a modified version, with just a few carbs thrown in. The scale's been inexplicably happy with me this week, workout or no. I was afraid I was seeing muscle loss in the beginning of the week, but even after I got back to the gym and started eating like a real person again, the numbers stayed good.

Last Week: 274.8lbs
This Week: 271.6lbs
+/- for the Week: -3.6lbs

How did I get here? I really couldn't tell you. I've been tracking really well, which might have something to do with it. Also, I finally got to RELAX this weekend since I wasn't traveling. I worked out, I got housework done, and I rested. it was good.

Here's hoping Monday leaves like a lamb so I can ride good vibes this week. I think I need a joyologist.

Long Awaited, Updated

2009-05-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

You know how I was just gonna go a week without posting? That didn't happen so much. I've been traveling somewhere every weekend for a month. In that time, I have gained (and lost) the same six or seven pounds every week. Here's what happens. During the week I work out like a crazy person and stay WAY on track. Then then weekend comes and I don't get my water intake in every day, I don't work out (or if I do, not enough), and I eat like it's last summer. I pay attention to what's going in my mouth, but I don't make sure it all fits in with "the plan."

So, that's where we stand. I haven't weighed myself as often during the past few weeks. But when I have, I've seen numbers as low as 269 and as high as 282. The past two days I've been home sick with strep throat (self-diagnosed mind you, but that's what it is). I'm getting better and better from that, so I'll be back to the gym by Thursday at the latest. Mostly I'm worried about being contagious. 'S why I haven't been to work this week yet.

Anyway, I think my traveling is slowing down. This weekend is Mother's Day, but I don't know for sure if I'm going back home. Mapache's graduation is next weekend, and if The Mom can't get us tickets to Bonnie Raitt, I might go down there for that. But, I'm taking the gorram train. All this driving is driving me crazy, and I love driving.

Anyway, weighed myself officially this morning. Here's what I got.

Last Weigh-In: 274.4lbs
This Week: 274.8lbs
+/-: +0.4lbs for the three weeks

All things considered, I'm not too disappointed. If I could get my head in a place where exercising was a MUST for me instead of a SHOULD, I'd be better. I ordered a South Beach Diet book today, and when it comes in I plan to spend a couple weeks on Phase 1 to kind of kick start things again.

My body is still changing for the better, despite my cruising alongside the wagon instead of hopping on these past few weeks. I'm wearing an XL shirt and it's not too tight anywhere. Not even close. There are toned arms underneath my layer of jellofat. I'm really looking forward to getting back to kickboxing and Zumba.

So yeah. I'm currently on the best short-term diet ever. That is to say, it hurts to swallow anything thicker than couscous or soup, and it's work to get those through.

Kicked and kicking

2009-04-15T18:36:00.000-07:00

So, I didn't post my weight this week. The weekend had me eating like I wasn't paying attention to what I was eating. I wasn't as bad as I used to be, but I ate way too much and didn't get in nearly enough water. I kinda kicked my own ass. I didn't want to have a number up that was gonna get me down, so I didn't post a number this week.

I've been doing well this week though, and I'm back to my weight from last Monday. I will post my weight next week, gain or loss. This weekend is going to be tough again, as it's my sister's 21st, it's the Chili Cookoff, and my best bud Rach is coming up to celebrate all of that with us.

I've hit the gym every day since Monday this week. Water aerobics AND Zumba on Monday (we got ambitious) and a strength circuit and a Couch to 5K Week 1 workout on the treadmill yesterday. Today, Ames and I decided to try kickboxing. She'd done it in the past, but tonight was my first time. I thought I was gonna die after the warm-up, but I made it through the whole workout and I felt great afterward. I think there are the makings of a routine here.

I'm going to miss the gym tomorrow because I'm going to an open house for a possible job in Tulsa (I'll explain more later). Friday I'm gonna head to Muskogee, so no gym there either. I'm going to try and get a good walk in before Rach gets into town, or right after school before I leave if the weather's good.

Peace out!

If You Just Realized What I Just Realized...

2009-04-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

I've started planning things around the gym. It's too early to call it a lifestyle, but it definitely feels good. I really do enjoy going to the gym. Zumba's a blast, whether I bring a friend or not. Water aerobics is still challenging if I push myself. I'm working up to some other classes and spending more time on the machines. My plan for later this month is to WALK to the Y for class.

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. State tests start on Friday at work, so I'm gonna be pretty much useless for a couple of weeks. I can still see my lower grade kiddos, but I don't have very many of them so my time will not be spent being productive on that front. I'm on movie duty with the kids who aren't being tested, so I can't spend my time organizing and planning ahead in my room. Not to say I can't get some things done, but not as much as I'd like.

Anyway, last week was pretty good. I managed to stay on plan all week, went to the gym five days and worked out for at least an hour, and stayed pretty active on the weekend. Does the scale agree?

Last Week: 275.2lbs
This Week: 274.4lbs
+/- For The Week: -0.8lbs

So, not my favorite result. I've been working really hard and the scale isn't agreeing with me. I'm not too discouraged, though. Even though I didn't lose as much as I'd like, I can feel my body changing. I've got a little definition in my arms (first time in...ever!) even though my "fat wings" are still firmly intact, my clothes are fitting looser and looser. I'm a fairly solid size 20 now, which is great. MLR says I've reached another 10lb weight-loss goal, even though she still stubbornly refuses to give me a number.

I also bought a WiiFit this weekend. It's an addition to my health and exercise routine, instead of a substitute. I'll try to do the body test every day, and some yoga and a balance game or two. Never hurts to have better posture, and I'll take all the extra exercise I can get. Can you believe I said that?!

It Always Comes Back to Bowie

2009-04-03T11:17:00.000-07:00

Another of my DVR relationships ended this week. I'm starting to think I might be a show killer. Bad news for the new shows I've gotten into. Sorry guys.

But, on to Mars. Life On Mars, to be specific. The show had potential, but unfortunately it didn't have a big audience. Once upon a time, a show could make it long enough to get established on a sub-par first season, viewer-wise. No more. Reality TV is king. Quick audiences, "real life" drama, and people who will do ANYTHING for their 15 minutes. There are a few gems in the reality mix, but the majority? Ick.

But, back to Bowie. If you were a fan of LoM, you already know what I know. Show got shit-canned, but they had the foresight and where-with-all to at least attempt a finale. You should really check it out. For the entertainment value, if nothing else. In my humble opinion, it was more than a little ridiculous. Sort of poetic, a little tongue-in-cheek perhaps, but ridiculous. I mean, they ended up...ON MARS! The whole 1973 shiz? Glitch in the three-year hallucination that Sam ordered. It was like someone at ABC stole Dorothy's shoes and some of her LSD. Granted, the whole show was a little out there, what with the mini rovers and the flashes.

Anyway, I'm sad to see it go. I'm glad they wrapped it up for the three of us who were loyal viewers. I'm even a little glad it was so ridiculous because it was probably the only way they could satisfy our Annie/Sam 'shipping and still get everyone back to where they were supposed to be. And the fact that Harvey Keitel turned out to be Major Tom...kind of a bonus.

Like I said, it always comes back to Bowie. Check out the DVDs, and then if you want some real satisfaction, watch the original.

Monday, Fun Day

2009-03-30T19:19:00.000-07:00

Not often I get to say that these days, it seems. Honestly, work was not overly exciting. Mostly just a Monday. Weather was awesome, kids were cool. After work is where the fun started. I've been meaning to try Zumba for a while now. Various events have prevented me from going in the past couple of weeks.

Tonight, I finally made it. It was SO much fun! I felt like an idiot about 70% of the time, but I had a lot of fun. I had a friend with me, which made it so much less humiliating and more enjoyable. It kind of kicked my butt at times, but I'm definitely going back. This week if I can. There are classes at some Oklahoma City YMCA every night of the week.

Topping off my day with a fun workout was what I needed. The weekend was not as kind to me. I didn't do much at all, and Sunday I ate more than I should have. It was not near the binges I used to have, but it wasn't pretty, nonetheless. Starting my week off like this was good.

On to the weigh-in!
Last Week: 277.6lbs
This Week: 275.2lbs
+/- for the Week: -2.4lbs!

I'm back down to pre-Spring Break weight, and I've found another way to change my fitness routine up. It's getting warm enough to walk in the neighborhood again, too. Hooray!!

An Update Overdue

2009-03-24T18:29:00.001-07:00

Well, I made it to my Spring Break goal, even if it was a bit fleeting. The scale Saturday morning before I left on my great adventure read 275.6lbs.

I managed not to weigh myself all week long. I spent Saturday in the 'Gee with my parents and sister. I left Sunday after church and headed to Dallas to see my besties and go to the Adele concert. The concert was fantastic, and I now want to be Adele. Monday was full of errands, repacking, getting in some face time with some of my favorite people, and hanging out. We had Thai food for dinner, but I split an entree with Jayme so I wasn't too tempted to overeat.

Tuesday morning brought the beginning of the road trip. We ended up in Amarillo for the night, and on Wednesday morning, we went to Gold's Gym and worked out. The motel we stayed at included a guest pass. Wednesday morning we drove to Palo Duro Canyon State Park. Gotta say, it was gorgeous, and we got a decent walk in.

Wednesday we made it to Albuquerque. Walked around Old Town for a while (quaint, adorable) and ate at a Native American Fusion restaurant. I experienced blue corn enchiladas and tasted some of Jayme's bison meatloaf. Again, the food was amazing and we managed to not eat EVERYTHING.

Thursday we drove to Santa Fe early in the morning, explored their old town, square, and a ton of beautiful (and really old) churches and buildings. Ate Mexican food at a cute little hole in the wall kind of place called Mucho Gusto. I had mole chicken and enjoyed every bite, though. Then we headed to Red River to begin our ski trip.

It was then that the good food choices became less a part of the story. The Panamanians made it to Red River very early in the a.m., so they were all sleeping by the time we arrived in the afternoon. So we walked to the lift house and got our skis and lessons rented and whatnot. We made dinner that night, including lots of veg and salad, but I got into the oatmeal cranberry cookies Maria had made for the road.

Friday and Saturday were pretty awesome. I decided to take the lesson with my peeps the first day, because I hadn't skied in a long while. Very helpful, as it turned out. Saturday I made it beyond the bunny slopes, but not much further. No one wanted to go up to the top of the mountain with me, so we stuck to the lower slopes all day.

I gotta say, I am SO glad I did the work beforehand to get my legs and arms strong enough to take a weekend of skiing without dying and being too sore to move. Pictures to follow soon-ish, but suffice to say it was a lot of fun. I would have stayed another couple of days with no problems, except for that nagging sense of responsibility that comes with living in the "real world."

Weighed myself again this morning. So there's another update there as well.

Last Week: 275.6lbs
This Week: 277.6lbs
+/- This Week: +2lbs

Considering the number of cranberry oatmeal cookies and candy corn I ate and the hours upon hours spent on my ass in the car, I'm not too disappointed. I had planned to try out Zumba (finally) yesterday, but my girlie bits weren't having any of it. I did make it to water aerobics today, and I plan to go to the gym tomorrow and water aerobics again Thursday. Friday, I am going to Zumba downtown. Unless the Oklahoma weather turns to shit sooner than expected.

So there, not so short of an update, but plenty of boring details to bog you down.

The Yen to Pen

2009-03-13T08:51:00.000-07:00

Or rather, keyboard. I've been seriously feeling the pull of blogging lately. I don't know what it is, exactly. Maybe it's that I have consistent good news and I feel like sharing it. Maybe it's that this blogging thing and knowing that there are people (both of you) actually READING it does something for me.

Anyway, I do have a bit of an update. Wednesday I decided to get some xercise in y pwning at Wii tennis and boxing for forty-five minutes. My arms were KILLING me by the end. I also got in my strength training at home while I was watching Life on Mars.

Last night, the mom and the sis came in to town and we all went to see my cousin H in a musical. It was awesome, even though it meant I stayed up WAY past my bedtime. the good thing about THAT was that I didn't eat for almost four hours before I went to sleep. Hello digestion! While I didn't get much in the way of exercise in yesterday (aside from the scrambling around cleaning and tidying), I did eat pretty well, disounting the spoonful of whipped cream cheese frosting. I just can't seem to hide it from myself well enough.

Today I am cleaning out my fridge in preparation for the weeklong vacay, going to Zumba at 5:30 (hooray!!!), and possibly partying this evening. If I don't party, I'll head to The 'Gee earlier than planned.

Anyway, I'll post scale results one way or another in the morning. This morning, MaryLou said I was 8.5lbs below my starting weight. It's times like that when it frustrates me that she never tells you a number. 8.5 down from what?! Couldn't get a good read from the numbered scale this morning, I guess I was too sway-y.

Another Good Start

2009-03-11T06:43:00.000-07:00

Well folks, this week has been pretty good so far. I stayed on plan on Monday, did twenty minutes on the elliptical at the Y before I strength trained for about twenty minutes, then did water aerobics for an hour. I went to the downtown Y on Monday, and I'd never done shallow water there before. It was...interesting. Big class, lots of men (which is unusual). It was a good workout though.

Yesterday I had a healthy breakfast, went to Chili's for lunch and got the bottomless salad and soup, but only had one salad and one bowl of the veggie soup, so I did pretty well. I went to the Y in Bethany right after my conference (which I was in all day) and did a half hour on the elliptical and the rest of my strength training circuit I didn't get to on Monday. Then I went home and made dinner (leftover turkey meatloaf, a big mound of green beans, and a littl fat free cottage cheese) before heading BACK out to the Downtown Y for deep water aerobics.

All told, I was a little surprised I managed to make it in with the recommended calories and didn't go over sodium intake for yesterday, what with the Chili's lunch I had failed to research beforehand.

Anyway, it's been a good couple of days. My MaryLou scale told me I was at a new low weight this morning, although the numbered scale didn't quite agree. My plan today is to eat in for all three meals, either stop off at the Y on the way home and do an hour on the treadmill or do minutes on the bike when I get home, and spend the evening cleaning house and getting ready for company tomorrow and Spring Break.

Here's hoping I make it through.

Quick Update

2009-03-09T08:43:00.000-07:00

Hello, hello. Well, the weekend wasn't overly unkind to me on the food front, but it found other ways. Friday morning I awoke with a head so stuffed you might have consufed it with a muppet. Nevertheless, I trekked to work where I somehow made it through the day in one piece. I went home Friday night and laid under a blanket until Saturday afternoon. No more fevers, but my head is still very full.

Feeling better today, though the sinus pressure hasn't completely subsided. I'm hoping this week goes quickly and painlessly, because next week is SPRING BREAK!

Anyway, wanted to drop by and do a quick weigh-in. Going to the gym tonight, Wednesday night, and Thursday afternoon (at the least) and eating all the yummy leftovers from my weekend cookfest (recipes to follow in a later post) this week because I can already tell you I don't feel like cooking.

Last Week: 281.6lbs
This Week: 277.4lbs
+/- For The Week: 4.2lbs

PLEASED AS PUNCH to report this. I think that Spring Break goal is WELL within reach, so long as I keep up the crazy woman gym ju-ju I had last week.

Strong So Far

2009-03-04T18:21:00.000-08:00

I know, right? Three posts before the week's even half over? What have I been smoking?!

It's part of this whole 'close monitoring' thing I'm trying to accomplish for the next couple of weeks. If I want to meet my mini-goal for Spring Break, I've gotta work it and work it hard until then. Spring Break I'm taking a bit of a, well, break. I fully intend to do at least three days of cardio (including two days of skiing), but I also intend to enjoy myself without spending as much effort on what I eat.

Anyway, I went to the Y in Moore yesterday and did thirty minutes on the treadmill before going to water aerobics. My food intake was really good yesterday. Came in right on with everything. Today, I decided to get home BEFORE 7:30, so I didn't go down to Moore. Instead, I came home, changed into workout clothes, and walked to the Midtown Y to do a little strength training. Got in a good hour of walking in the process.

I also went grocery shopping today. My fridge is full of fresh (and frozen) fruit and veg. I just have to eat it all before Spring Break. That's the goal, anyway.

I actually need to get some more calories in before my two-hours-before-bed deadline.

You know another weird thing? I've slept better this week, I've been happier with my job, and I've been in a pretty good mood. Amazing what a little nutrition and calorie scorching can do.

Here's hoping the good weeks happen more frequently!

Another Day Gone

2009-03-03T07:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I am happy to say, went as planned. It was a good day at work. I had taken time to prepare my meals beforehand so I wasn't rushed when I got home at 7:30. I was at the gym for almost three hours. I never thought I would be a person who could be at the gym for three hours. I don't plan on making a huge habit of the marathon workout, but it was nice yesterday.

Here's what I did:
33 minutes on the elliptical
Strength training for 40 minutes - leg extensions, sitting squats on a machine, ab crunches on the machine, oblique crunches on the machine, diverging row, hip adductions, and hip abductions - 3 sets of everything, 12-15 reps per set
Water aerobics for 60 minutes

I also logged everything I ate. Here are my totals for yesterday:
Calories - 1426
Fat: 26 grams
Sodium: 2374 miligrams
Carbs: 199 grams
Protein: 111 grams

I'm very happy with myself. I ate my last morsel at about 8:15, and went to bed around 10:45, so I had a couple hours for my digestion to do its thing before bed.

Today, my plan is to track everything and stay within my parameters nutritionally. I'm also planning to go to water aerobics again tonight. But no weight training, I want to give my muscles time to recoup.

The Weighting Game

2009-03-02T07:36:00.002-08:00

I failed to report last week for a couple of reasons. I was out with stomach flu from Saturday the 21st until Tuesday the 24th. For half of that I was in Dallas occupying the couch of some of my best friends. (Thanks guys, by the way. Next time I visit I promise I'll be more fun.) When I made it back home on Moday, I weighed in at 278.3lbs. I'd call that losing 3 pounds the hard way. :)

Since I've been feeling better, I've not been making the best choices. I've justified it to myself saying that I hardly got in ANY calories while I was sick, so overdoing it a little in the aftermath shouldn't make a big difference.

WRONG!

My combined not-so-great food choices last week coupled with my inactivity (I only went to the Y once all week, and didn't even ride the bike) led me to a gain this week.

Last Monday: 278.4lbs
This Monday: 281.6lbs
+/- for the week: +3.2lbs

Needless to say, it's a little discouraging. And MLR seems to think I've gained 5 pounds since I weighed in last Monday. I think this week I'll take the number, thanks.

So, it's going to take some very hard work over the next couple of weeks to make my Spring Break goal of 275lbs. Today, I pledge to track ALL my intake and exercise, and visit the Y this evening for weights, water aerobics, and maybe even a little elliptical time.

Wish me luck!

Oh, and a P.S. to all my familial lurkers. I would love some feedback from you guys too! Even if it's kicking me in the ass, I love to know you're there.

Sick Day Cinema

2009-02-24T10:40:00.000-08:00

I have been down with stomach flu (or something) since Friday afternoon. So, my weekend in Dallas was not the awesome-fest it could have been, but I did see some of my friends, hung out a little, and had a good time in spite of the angry tiger that was living in my guts.

Anyway, I made it back home yesterday afternoon, with the tiger in my guts reduced to an irritated over-sized house cat. My cable's been out since last week, so during my sick day yesterday and the subsequent one today (now just a pissed kitten living in my guts, but I'd rather my tummy be furry animal-free before I take on the kids again) I've been catching up on missed shows online, and the bevy of movies that have been stored on my DVR since that movie channel free weekend back in December or whatever.

I know I don't usually let my TV geek get all over my blog, but I gotta show a little love. I've been watching Dollhouse for several reasons. One: Joss is God, as far as fandom goes. Two: I'm a sucker for underdogs. Three: Joss show means cameos and guest appearances by my favorite Verse-ians. Gotta say, it didn't start off all that promisingly, but the second episode got better. I can only hope that the show gets a chance to find its footing before Fox 'Fireflies' it. But, is it just me, or does the Dollhouse set look an AWFUL LOT like Wolfram & Hart's HQ?

Also, I finally watched a werewolf flick that my buddy Edro recommended a jillion years ago. Hard on the gore and British boys. Including Kevin McKidd, who looks dang good fighting mutant puppies in the British wilds.

Okay, so I haven't gotten that far. But I felt compelled. Watch Dollhouse, and tell me what ya think.